One of two friends were celebrating a breakup-- quite a nasty one at that. Together, they decided to get away for a night, to a beach not as familiar. 2 hours up the coast of not-so-shy South Carolina, these two girls soared with optimism for a top notch girl's night. There are two side notes that I must share for the expectations of this trip. Firstly: boys sense the fact that you're on a girl's night. They sense it like Rottweilers sense fear from a stranger. They can smell it over the Vera Wang perfume or the Herbal Essences Hairspray floating in the air as a pack of girls strut by. Secondly: when a time limit is stamped on something, the parties involved typically strive to squeeze every ounce of fun and adventure from that limited time period. The result is quite humorous and definitely based on a true story... The one night venture in Myrtle Beach is what critics are calling "a low budget foreign version of The Hangover." Not foreign in the manner that subtitles are required, even once the liquor has set in. Foreign as in not wildly acclaimed and certainly receiving NO thumbs up. But, we found humor in our sequence of events and thought at least worthy cause for blog material. The scene opens with a blonde passenger applying makeup in the dimly-lit mirror, while the brunette passenger scopes for cops, singing off tune to a playlist titled "twerk music of my people." Running late as usual, the brunette attempts to shave off time from the trip but is forced to return to the limit in order for the other passenger to take a potty break. The car did not stop. She simply filled a cup half way with her pee in the back seat. Passengers of other cars sure got a show. Classy, I know. But, you haven't heard the best part. She mastered this skill twice in the two-hour ride. I guess that's what happens when you pre-game in the trunk of the car on the way. Yes. The shameless blonde also maneuvered her way to the back seat, unlatched the seat revealing the trunk compartment, and then proceeded to chug two Fireball shots. But she's no dummy; she put the empty bottles back in the trunk and fastened it as if nothing happened. Upon arrival, the brunette carefully navigated through the narrow concrete walls of the parking garage and then the two girls lugged two fluorescent duffle bags 5 blocks to the lobby. It's amazing how many things two girls need for one night. They raced to the 17th floor to their room just to slip into their club attire: midriff revealing tops and skirts that would not pass for public school dress code. Only... The blonde left her's in the trunk with her empty liquor bottles. Cat-calls followed the girls as the blonde attempted to sneak through the hotel lobby in spanx and a cardigan, followed by her brunette best friend. They reached the narrow-walled cement garage, where the blonde removed her pee-cup from the car and changed bottoms in the truck. Luckily, there were no audience members for this show; the brunette was NOT going to take tickets at the door. Running late for their 8:30 dinner reservation, the brunette asked impatiently if she was done in the trunk. The blonde said "yeah," but after the trunk closed, screamed profanities. Apparently, the one and only key to the 2017 German-made car, was in the trunk that was just sealed and locked. And so our story begins ... Suspenseful music crescendos. The brunette profusely apologized while also uttering profanities. Together, they decided to choose the most logical action: face this problem tomorrow. They took an Uber to their reservation, in which they were within the forgiveness time down to the very minute of the reservation. After whispers from couples seated across from them gossiping that the two were gay, the best friends paid too much for their dinner, but enjoyed it just the same. The next Uber took them to the club on the main strip of downtown Myrtle. Their favorite was the one containing three separate dance floors. Since the two of them have been out of college for nearly a decade, they were not prepared for the craziness that was spring break. They were easily in the top 10% of the oldest club enthusiasts. Several fake ID's were discarded (by the smallest bouncer the two girls had ever seen), making the line move faster. Upon bag check, the brunette was busted for having a tiny liquor bottle in her purse. He said, "you can drink it here, but make it quick." With no hesitation, she downed the shot and proceeded to the station with the neon wristbands. The blonde smugly smiled, not only knowing that the brunette had two more shots in her purse, but proud that her own four shots were not discovered. Once inside, the two girls parted the waters of the dance floor and did their thing. Because apparently peeing in a cup twice on the way to their destination and nearly five times at the restaurant was not enough, the blonde demanded they make way to the restroom. Which wasn't all bad; the two of them made five new friends and received compliments galore. After returning to the dance floor, they moved to another section of the club with an older style of music. And I don't mean disco or 80's... I mean late 90's early 2000's. But hey- they needed something not drowned out with a techno beat. Of the five-and-a-half suitors the blonde turned down on the dance floor, the brunette laughed as neither one of them slowed their rhythm. Mind you, most of the others were 21 at the oldest. The X's on the hands of some neighbors on the dance floor were laughable, to put it kindly. The brunette was approached by one bearded stranger whom never left her side the remainder of the night, while the blonde continued to focus her blue eyes on a Malibu-Ken-looking guy a couple tables away. Apparently, the two of them were friends. The outspoken brunette arranged for him to come over and they seem to hit it off. Their other friend, with a small ponytail and a much more edgy style, pursued the brunette inquiring more about the blonde and why she rejected him. Personally taken by the alcohol and partially familiar with his situation, she revealed the truth that the blonde was interested in his friend. Acting not to be phased by this blow to the self-esteem, he laughed it off and disappeared into the crowd. The two suitors pursuing the blonde and brunette bought the girls two or three drinks and then the clock struck two. The brunette's suitor stated that, regardless of what his friends had planned for the remaining hours of the evening, he would be spending it with the brunette. Not that he had an invitation or had even asked her opinion, but she didn't care enough to argue. She was walking on the beach beside the resort regardless of who accompanied her. The blonde latched her lips on to the Malibu Ken. Smiling, the brunette ordered an Uber. Channeling her inner fourth-grader, the brunette screamed, "shotgun!" That is, once they located the Uber driver, 15 minutes after searching drunkenly in a crowded parking lot of underage spring breakers. Of all the Uber rides she's ever experienced, this man had the most potential to be the brunette's best friend. He was goofy and country and just a good old soul. He high-fived her on the way out and the two male suitors in the back seat stuffed cash into the man's open handshake. Marching up to the beach, the four drunkards removed their shoes and made way for the sand. The blonde could barely stand up straight and quickly asked for the room key. Taking Malibu Ken by the hand, the two disappeared into the resort. The brunette walked the beach listening to another story of a stranger whom inevitably would remain that way. Focusing on the waves, she tried to trick her mind out of feeling the 48° wind. 20 minutes in, she broke like the waves and they turned back. Returning to the resort, they passed an indoor heated pool. After pushing and pressing her to swim in a pool regardless of the fact that her suit was not in this city, he stated the cliche "bra and panties are the same as a bikini" rebuttal. Intolerant of his predictable suggestion, she was ready to fire back when a security officer approached them. Looking guilty as sin, he asked if they were guests and which room. Rising to their feet, the brunette rattled off the first number that came to her head and apparently it was a valid number because he gestured to the door and stated they could come back in the morning when the pool opens at 10. Which honestly was only five and a half hours away at this point. After returning to the room, both boys managed to squeeze in the queen size bed with the girls. The blonde was too drunk to function and the brunette was agitated that sand was now at the bottom of their bed. Unable to get the blonde to agree to show the guys out, they stayed there far too long. One claimed he had a track record of turning any hookup into a relationship (sorcery neither of the girls had yet to experience) and the other, hid behind his past divorce. They both pushed for something they wanted- one of them got it and one of them got part of it as time continued to turn. Unfortunate to say, that this night is only half over. A topic rose between the blonde and Malibu Ken and tears were shed. Then the other male retired to the balcony for fresh air. There was no motive for tears either could gather, but he too heard the tears of the intoxicated young woman. After practically arranging an Uber for the 2 allegedly single men, they finally departed the room. Of course on their way out, one of the suitors made sure to make a smug remark about how we should have drank more. Yeah, because that comment was going to do a whole lot of good now. Like it would have illuminated a light bulb over the two girls heads: "oh my gosh, that's a fabulous idea!" Not likely sir. Unfortunately, sleep was still not a luxury this brunette and blonde could afford. The blonde discovered a missing wallet and cell phone. And chaos was thrust upon them. After destroying the room like a doughnut shop destroys a month-long vigorous diet, they only located the wallet. After retracing steps on the beach, the pool, and all eight elevators, desperation grew three sizes. Hardly able to keep her eyes open, the brunette suggested they call it a night since the clock read 6 a.m. but, these words only infuriated the blonde, causing a rebuttal to say the least. Someone's (not indicating who's) head hit the side of the elevator two to three times.... I wish I was fabricating this. Even though the blonde was positive she had her phone leaving the Uber, the brunette reached out to the charismatic Uber driver. 55 minutes later, he was able to deliver the phone as the sun was rising. He also gave the blonde his phone number so they could be VIP riders on their next trip. The blonde turned to the beach and updated her social media with the sand illuminated by the pink sunrise. She returned to the room and the brunette was happy to hear that she found her phone. They both were exhausted and ready to go home so the brunette made a call to the locksmith with your AAA membership. After confirming a rescue driver would be there in 59 minutes, she passed out. She passed out hard. Waking up 2 hours later, she begged AAA to send the driver back out. In shorts, a sweatshirt, and makeup being the only part of her running (now or ever), the brunette waited outside the concrete parking garage for enough time to order a pizza. Then when the driver arrived, he reported that German cars are incredibly hard to break into and after 30 minutes of extreme effort, was exasperated. He gave it one final attempt and was able to prythe passenger door open. He stayed long enough to help the brunette break into the trunk. Apparently this German car is electrically operated and you cannot simply pop the trunk from the inside without the keys activated. After yanking and pulling and even disconnecting the battery, the situation looked hopeless. With some miracle and a loud POP, the back seat revealed the hollow trunk. The brunette was happy enough to cry or spit or pass-out. She handed the man all the cash she had in her wristlet, which was exactly $8.53. And thank him profusely. He probably wondered how someone looking like she slept in a cardboard box could afford a VM... With pep in her step, she returned to the 17th floor. Dragging the blonde out of bed, they gathered their things strung of about the room. The blonde was visibly still drunk. They both had a lingering aroma of mid-shelf tequila.
There has never been more judgment passed, even in the Supreme Court, than when the two girls scuffled into the lobby to return their weathered keys. Wreaking of regret, the two made the five block trek to the parking garage where one of them kicked over the cup of pee. Fabulous. The brunette peeled out of the parking lot, driving the blonde to bitch about recklessness. The brunette laughed because how can either of them talk about recklessness? On the ride home, both received texts from the guys from last night. One of them didn't have much to say and the other one inquired if she was "clean." Got to love Virginia boys. Okay, so no one went up missing and no one got married to a stripper... but hey! This was 100% the REAL story! No comedy screenwriters here... just these two girls' lives. Entertaining to some extent? You tell me.
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Shut me out like a puppy not yet potty trained.
Shut me out like a toddler acting out again. Shut me out like a student without the will to learn. Shut me out like a beggar with filthy hands, reaching for your pocket. Shut me out like the clock just turned 4:59 and business is no more, until tomorrow. Shut me out like a hysterical person in a restaurant. Shut me out like a bearded man in airport security with a name not American enough. Shut me out like an intoxicated minor with a fake ID. Shut me out for an audition the director's friend already won. Shut me out like corporate executing a massive layover. Shut me out like a dirty business deal. Shut me out like a doctor's office overbooked with pregnant women. Shut me out like the pawn shop not willing to listen to my story and pay a fair price. Shut me out like the prestigious Chapel downtown, only looking for a certain type of follower. Shut me out like the country boys unforgiving of interracial anything. Shut me out like a foreclosure for a family of five. Shut me out like rolling down the door of a U-Haul. Shut me out like you loved the idea of me but again, your ideas have changed. Shut me out and shut me up like a kidnapping. Shut out my thoughts, my desires, and most of all, my worth. I'd rather be tied, than able to run free. I'd rather be enclosed, since my feelings are running rampant. I'd rather be sedated, than conscious for the future. Shut me out because I was never really welcomed in anyway. October 3rd: *Sends Friend Request* So… I'm close with one of your close friends and saw a picture or two of you on FB— you’re gorgeous!
October 4th: You’re beautiful and smart and sarcastic and love to travel. You’re amazing just being you. I like that. I want that. October 5th: I hope I’m good enough. You’re drop dead gorgeous. October 6th: That guy in your social media pic is cute for you... Later that day: I didn’t accuse you of anything. I will never tell you what to do. I’m sorry. I hate this. I want you to be happy. I’m sorry I have issues. I’m trying. I’m not perfect. This is my flaw and I’m sorry. Lesson learned. October 7th: I want you to go to the island with me so I can hold you as the sun sets. Come there with me. I can take you to amazing places. October 8th: Hearing your voice makes my day pleasant. I need you. We’re gonna make a badass couple. October 9th: Well, I just hope you will even consider keeping me around. I’ll show you I’m worth it. October 10th: I think you’re beautiful and sexy. Just wait until I get my hands on you. October 11th: Oh so that’s why you’re ignoring me— you’re on a date… Oh, you’re only talking to me? October 12th: I’m happy about all of this. I like talking to you. I think about you all the time. October 13th: I told my mom about you. She’s the most skeptical when it comes to girls I date and has yet to like one of my girlfriends. Either way though, I’ll keep you . October 14th: I want you. All of you. I want you to be mine. I want you to be my rock. Behind every strong man there is an even stronger woman. I need that. I want a woman I can travel and go on adventures with. Eventually a woman to wake up with and have a life with. October 15th: I booked a flight to go see my girl. She’s the one and only. She’s amazing. She makes my heart happy. She’s all I think about. I’m gonna marry that girl one day. Watch. I know I sound crazy. But there’s something about her. And I want it. October 16th: You’re perfect. I’m very lucky. You have everything a man needs and wants. I’m not going anywhere. At all. I want to find a woman to marry. October 17th: After our fight last night, I felt the most pain I’ve felt since I lost my first family member close to me. I thought I lost you. October 18th: You’re just so beautiful and sexy— it drives me crazy. Two more weeks until your last first date. October 19th: I need a woman. One that can balance me and keep me in check. I’m more logical and you’re more emotional=balance. You deserve the world and I’m gonna do my best to give it to you. October 20th: I’m passionate about you. I want you in my life. I’m going to get you to fall in love with me. Watch. October 21st: I’m going to steal you away. I’m after your heart. Maybe one day I can convince you to move. Lol jk. October 22nd: I’m sorry I suck at trust right off the bat. I’m trying. I like you a lot and you scare me. But I want to build something beautiful with you. October 23rd: Lmao you’re cute. And beautiful and smart and sarcastic and fun. You’re the whole package. I want you in my life. October 24th: I know. Usually I’m not nervous. You make me nervous. Usually I don’t care if people come or go. I just like you a whole lot. October 25th: I wish I was there to take you out and wine and dine you babe. You’re amazing. October 26th: Ugh just marry me okay?! Haha just kidding. Don’t tease me… You’re mean. You said no to my proposal haha. Don’t freak out lol didn’t mean it that soon. October 27th: I appreciate you lots. You’re the best. I’m going to steal you. Forever. October 28th: I just want you to know I think you’re amazing. Sorry I can be hard headed and take things wrong. I’m working on being more sensitive. But YOU are the missing piece to my puzzle. I like you lots. October 29th: I just want you to be happy. That means the world to me. You mean the world to me. October 30th: I am your man. And I wanna have you. I want you. All of you. Craziness and all. I want to be everything you want. I’m trying. October 31st: I can’t wait to cuddle you. I can’t wait to see you. Our weekend is going to be amazing and special. November 1st: Hey I’m in gate B by the baggage claim. Oh, I see your fine ass! November 2nd: That was such a quick trip! Let me know when you get home safely. November 3rd: Well… I have so much going on. I have that island trip and then hunting two months after. But I’ll see you next year at that event with our mutual friend. November 4th: *Missed Call* November 5th: November 10th: This conversation is following his request for a cleavage picture. I guess that's more discreet than asking for a nude upfront? Not to mention, we have never met. And just like a stereotypical millennial to not take responsibility and to blame the accuser. Okay Stephanie, what about your feisty responses? They were well warranted and I have no shame. They are probably reason 46 of why I'm single. Other reasons to follow; stay tuned... So this guy told me what he was going to do and I fell into the smug trap of thinking, “oh, but not me.”
Well, while revealing his reactions to certain situations, he specifically mentioned bad dates. He said he can talk his way out of or through practically any situation so the person won’t even know he’s not "feeling it." I listened, nodded, and took another drink (not sip, no, I took another drink). If anything, I could totally relate so I didn't think twice of: oh, is this foreshadowing of how this date is going to end? Conversation seemed to flow and we stayed out until 11 maybe? But we started at 8, so I figured it was going well. He brought me to my apartment and mentioned the little starch-white bulldog in all my social media pictures. Casually, I invited him up to meet her. He pet her, talked with me a little, and then left. So you're thinking: okay... that doesn't sound terminal... But, we all know body language communicates more than words... well, when we were standing in my apartment by the kitchen counter, he went out of his way to move to the other side of the counter while still half-engaged in monotone conversation. I know I'm not a 10, but I'm also not repulsive. ALSO, when he left, he didn't hug me either. Afraid to catch a case of crazy I guess... Silly girl, Trix really are for kids. He wasn't fooling you, |
AuthorChef Steph cooking up trouble. If she can't find anything real, she bakes real good sweets. Chocolate really may mend a broken heart... Archives
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