 This post could be robust with gratitude for the blessings I've encountered, but you've heard the lists and I'm sure have drafted one of your own. This is supposed to be a dating blog stuffed with humor and adventure, complimented by jaw-gaping reactions. So, for once, I'll give the people what they want.....Baha had to say that aloud. One thing I'm ever so thankful for is every day that passes without receiving an unsolicited dick pic. If you've been following DatesandCakes for awhile, you may recall the series on dick pics where I polled other women about their encounter with this sick fad and their reaction to them. My "favorite" (if you can select the best of the worst) dick pic (because I'm still in awe of his.... umm, creativity?) was the guy that decorated his dick with the drawing feature on snapchat and turned it into a turkey. You heard me--- err read me. Here's the story for extra laughs. This was Thanksgiving 2017, yet in 2019 I'm still dealing with the same issue, different volume. ;) This guy, Mr. South D, was nice and not too cute, so I thought I was safe. Safe from threats of getting hurt since he lived in another state, safe since he was a sports coach for adolescents, and safe since I have this facade that guys that don't look like Channing Tatum, nor are they striving to be of such man-candy stature, aren't going to be "skum between my toes."  My reality OVER My expectationsWe My best friend has pointed out to me tirelessly that although she gets hurt too, at least the guys she dates "are more attractive. Steph, if the inevitable is heartbreak, at least it can be with a hottie that made you drool a little."
Well... can't quit cold turkey, but hopefully I won't have another Mr. South D. This guy seemed sweet, with a sprinkle of selfishness. We had a notorious Snapchat streak of pictures back and forth with silly pics for at least 40 consecutive days. Nothing sexual, nothing too boring-- just two flirty singles living day to day as 8 second pen-pals with 18 character messages. So, it was no stirring love story but, I didn't think it would end in an unsolicited dick video. Live and in action and something I thought this "sweet guy" wouldn't have just sprung on me OUT OF NO WHERE. My favorite part is that when I gave it to him (don't get excited, I mean screamed via text about what warranted that and how other recipients may have liked it, but I felt it was disrespectful) and he never denied sending it to other girls. THEN, to add to it, he BLOCKED ME.  So, to exemplify my surprise, here's your surprise pie With all that candy, it seems sweet, but the flavors may just be a little too much. INGREDIENTS
INSTRUCTIONS
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So, I don't have any dates .....to report since I've genuinely been dating myself (music festivals, craft beer, diy fashion, beignets.... there's no cap to the sweetness), but I have some pretty entertaining conversations to share over the next couple posts.....  Of course this boy met the first requirement of having blazing blue eyes. He kicked things off in a flirty manner, with sexual undertones, naturally. He was quite beautiful, yet quite aware of that surface beauty. He sent me 14 pictures, all selfies of himself in different poses and shirtless. Sure, to many, this may be a dream but all I could think was.... gosh I hope he's not on some strict diet, burgers and fries are a delicacy for me. The more words that were exchanged, the less interested I became. This boy was dense as a sack of bricks. My vocabulary is not complex, yet he kept questioning words I was asking. He needed clarification for practically everything! I felt like I was tutoring again. Then, he sent me a picture that wasn't in the Inbox, so it was a live one that you had to click out of to make it disappear. Instantly, the anticipation of a dreaded dick pic consumed me. For hours, I never opened it. Turned out, it was just another harmless selfie..... It was quite liberating for me to walk away from a guy with washboard abs. This total babe was built like a brick house with a box of matches and armful of candles for electricity; at first thought, that seems romantic, but the wick will burn out. I walked away because I wasn't interested, not because he thought I wasn't enough physically or quite literally too much physically since he had polished six pack. But, he was less than suave and then unfriended me!  So this guy struck me as a little stranger than some of the others. He started out by inviting me over to talk because our conversation intrigued him. He said he had a house and an extra room and just enjoyed "entertaining." He was pretty convincing and seemed like he had no real intention, even though it was late at night and he had a full bar, that he felt the need to show me a picture of. Can't say I wasn't impressed, because the amount of liqueurs he had were great for mixing different drinks. I still declined, and he wasn't nasty about it, so our conversation continued couple days later. He revealed he was military,so in my eyes, anyway had a stroke and then, oh he lived up to the reputation! It doesn't take a dating app to land one of these interactions.... Just one of the 9 Shady Bunch guys! Days later is what I got this lovely message, then followed by a censored dick pic. Classssssssss. Since he sent me a pic insinuating.... I found a meme sweeter than any dessert for this short-live texting encounter.  On pins and needles, nails and nails.....  He was looking for a wife and I was looking for a way out. He lived in a vacation destination, much like mine, and was barely over a hundred miles away. The conversation went like any other that I had a noticeable spark with. Flirting, smiling, laughter to follow. He wasn't necessarily my type, but the more guys I date, the more I wonder if I even have one. He was tall and thin with buzzed hair and a military past. It's hard to avoid those in such a port city with three different branches housed there. Upon scheduling our first date, I decided a trip to Myrtle Beach was a two for one. A way to be a tourist in a nearby city, while enjoying the new flavor of the week's company and doing tourist things together. He was pleased that I was making the effort and we scheduled a date. Upon discussing my upcoming day trip with Tiffany (my local best friend), glancing at his picture, she said she knew him. I shouldn't be surprised with a pretty girl on practically every dating site for 100 miles of our current home, that we would have some of the same guys in common.. But I can't say it didn't bother me. I asked her the result and she said she couldn't remember, but she ended up blocking him. That was my bat signal in the sky, my Joker card, Penguin's umbrella spinning... But did I listen? Of course not. Maybe I liked the villain side, or maybe it was something I couldn't quite put my finger on, like denial. What of course not! Absolutely not! How could you say that! Haha. I asked him about it and he was very casual. Stated something along the lines of, she stopped talking to him and just faded away. A And I said, she doesn't usually block people that phase themselves out. He suavely changed the subject and eventually, our calendar date arrived.  I met him outside of Walburgers, the delicious burger place by the notorious Mark Wahlburger and family. I could tell by the way he looked at me, he wasn't impressed with my looks. Which was frustrating, because boy was not a 10 by any stretch of the imagination. He had that military edge (not to be mistaken with chiseled) and kind of a goofy grin. Which is fine... I just have never been the type of girl that "likes [or needs] a man in uniform." Conversation flowed just like it did through phone lines and enjoyment was ours. From there, we walked to Margaritaville and tanked a few frozen concoctions. We talked sports with the bartender and talked about our perspective futures. He was kind of dry for my taste, but the activities we were doing were at enticing enough so we continued. We continued on to feed fish under the Boardwalk as they feasted like Thanksgiving families. Then, we made our way to Wonderworks fun house. In previous trips to Myrtle, I was informed that this place was for children, but he reassured me and we walked inside. I disagree with the rumor that it's just for kids... Then again, you're talking to a girl who was raised 10 minutes from Disney World and 15 from Universal Studios. You're also talking to a girl that has her room decor Buzz Lightyear and the gang, along with the darker side of the Joker. Nonetheless, I enjoyed myself. We did puzzles, blew bubbles, read posters, dominated at laser tag, peddled Topsy-Turvy bicycles, and even harnessed up for a ropes course, that by far, was my favorite. At new heights with my date, it was revealed to me that the reason Tiffany blocked him, was because he got mad that she stopped talking to him. I inquired what kind of retaliation he had to that fact and I was less than pleased.  It was his dick in a box. Okay okay, it wasn't in a box, but still. That was the inkling I had all along because, unless a guy overly annoys her or send her a dick pic, that's the only time she tends to block them. Actually, I do recall one other time that was quite humorous why she blocked a guy... It was because she was hella hung over and sent me a video of her saying something about how crazy the night prior was and instead of sending it to me, she sent that video of her looking less-than-dazzling, to this hot guy on her Snapchat. She blocked him immediately, because she felt she had doomed herself. We still snicker and milkyway about that. While I was tempted to push him off the ropes course, I remembered the harness would have kept him and the whole hostility gesture would have been moot. We left the Adventure Park or museum for children or whatever you want to call it, and walked back to our cars. He went in for a hug and just a hug, which I could not have thanked my lucky stars more. And we split paths. I returned to Charleston, he returned to sending dick pics to girls that found him annoying or lost interest. I guess my day playing tourist was mostly worth it. The moral of the story is: you can't trust the system, man. Also I'm an adult, and I don't need to be dating a child. In case you haven't had enough Lonely Island:  This date dessert requires very little effort. I decided to light his lights course up. "Light em up up uppppp. He'll be on FiReEeeE!"   . This guy had a sweet natured-look to him and seemed altogether harmless. Let me just start by saying this assumption was wrong. First scratch: I love me some alcohol, but there's a time and a place and a certain level of decency you have to uphold when indulging. I'm always cautious about drinking upon first meeting someone, because first impressions are... well, something. But on our first date, after drinking his 7th beer at the restaurant, which, he'd been day drinking because he was off, he proceeded to tell me how he hoped we didn't get in a bar fight at the pool table. I'm sorry- what? But that didn't deter me from playing pool, but certainly was another scratch. Oh, you might want to get your popcorn for the next part. Any first date that involves a learning endeavor, is always an indicator you're in for a treat. Not only did I learn in this game of pool that he was a sore loser, but he didn't even try the whole slick, "let me make sure you're holding it right gesture.." Dude, I warned you, when we were still in the "talking stage" that I suck at all bar games... Scratch that. I am challenged at performance of sports. End of story. That's All She Wrote. It's a fact. Lysol kills 99.9% of germs. He tried to gloss it over with a few joke-jabs but was visibly mad at me for tanking our score, thus holding back our team. I didn't see trophies anywhere and I thought the point was to win me... not some game you'll probably never think about again. Yet here I am, reenacting this game for all 11 viewers to read and snicker and gasp about. Then, he kissed me quite liberally and almost didn't come up for air. In the middle of the pool hall. Where he just said he might break into a fight. How bizarre..  "Ooooh Baby (oooh baby). You're a little bit crazy, little bit craaa-zayy. Every time I look around (around)."But I kept trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. We ended the game with no sticks being broken or jabbed into someone's eye or asshole. Haha! Hey, just referencing from one of his stories.. Which I believe is largely facade.. But hey, I wasn't there. Once we proceeded to the parking lot, where thank God I drove myself. I made an effort to slip into my car and was able to manage dodging a goodbye kiss. He claimed he would text me, and oh he did. After a bit of time in between other disappointing dates, I agreed to go out with him again. We went to an early dinner like old people early... 4:45 to be exact. Conversation was consistent and interest was fluid. After several drinks each, I cut myself off, but did so alone. Okay... The strange thing, which indeed called for a third scratch was, he kept making a comment that the waiter kept looking at me. I didn't really notice, but I said, maybe he thought I looked familiar; I do that ALL THE TIME. "Oh, I thought I saw John Wayne. That would make my day; he's such a stud muffin." After bringing up one more time, his phone rang demanding that he return to work. Hospitality duty calls. Which is the largest field of work here, possibly tie with military due to the 4 military bases in Charleston. I asked if he was good to drive and he claimed he was... Going buzzed to work, seems legit. Can I get a scratch four over here? As if that didn't already leave a bad taste in my mouth, he sent me a "boxer pic" that night. Mind you, he was working an over-nighter...thus on the clock, so to speak. I'm going to go off a limb and say it was a he already had this suggestive image saved to his phone .... But would you really be surprised if it was some other story? Anyway, I find it disrespectful when me do this without warrant; I feel like it tarnishes my perspective of them and is degrading because it highlights me as a sex object instead of someone to pursue in a relationship and then have that intimate aspect unfold naturally. Typically, this is my bold perspective upon receiving dick pics but in this case, I used this as my scapegoat. Have I received enough dick pics for every day on the calendar year? Regretfully so, but it was principal. If you really trying to pursue someone and that is your goal, don't coward behind a screen. Make a move in person. This is the reason I don't date guys on Bumble. Since the girls have to make the first move, all the ones I've encountered have possessed no initiative... for such a minuscule amount that it's invisible next to my level of initiative. Which, yes, he was indeed a bumble match. I used this as my final scratch and didn't hear from him much after that. He claimed he was proud of his body and that's why he did that but.... he already deemed no longer worthy of my time, with more than triple the scratches I got in the 2 rounds of pool we played. He moved off the continental US and I suppose is trying to sink some other holes. haha (had to ;) 8 Ball Cheesecake Ball |
AuthorChef Steph cooking up trouble. If she can't find anything real, she bakes real good sweets. Chocolate really may mend a broken heart... Archives
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