Just because he didn't push the lines of pastel lace,
Doesn't automatically render a space In your jumbled head of drafted plans Shading the night to grays and tans He brushed your curl aside as if it were practice Outlined your firm expression that of an actress Breathing close in a rhythm to hypnotize Temporary this moment, yet to realize Just because the scene has set doesn't mean he is On the syllables of your name or how it sounds with his So don't mistake a mere glint for an enlightening You'll meet a thunder, fit to be his lightening
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Didn't know it affected you.
From eastern standard to central standard, from a coastal suburb to the capital of the Lonestar state, my dating life affects you. After each call confessing the toxic nature of the next "catch," you sit disgusted, yet introspective to ensure such powerful reactions are warranted. Your thoughts were never carried across the phone lines we tightrope daily. Thoughts like: It's her life. She's grown. Surely she knows this is-- does she know? Is her judgement that endangered? Is her worth extinct? Does she know she's better than this disgrace of a man? Her track record pretense. It breaks me that she casually excuses his manipulative behaviors, again. No, she's not foolish naive enough to allow the same individual to repetitively... Is she? Disappointment. "She's got a ticket to ride and she don't care." Beatles bumping, spirit flapping, and mind buzzing, she does it again.I'm trapped. Strapped. Secluded. Isolated. I need out. Need something new. "I'm begging you to be my escape." After watching relationships of ones I love, my heart bled for their misery. This was especially true when I inquired of the reason for starting the relationship. My level of astonishment couldn't be measured. This isn't a romantic comedy where the music shift foreshadows the revelation of the protagonist. This music was never turned up. They exchanged their dreams of "happily ever after" for 5 minute sex and a cigarette after or a sunset with nightmare laughter. They jumped out of singleness, painted gloomy into taken, shackled with diamonds. No one bothered to chip away at the paint, they just wanted a highway to happiness. I can't blame them--- certainly sounds like a highway I would set the cruise to 90 on. But, what the signs don't tell you is this is not "the" highway to happiness, there are always alternative modes of transportation to achieve this ultimate goal. The signs offer no warning that the road may take you to a similar fog from happiness you're currently enduring. Daylight and Sunlight are NOT the same thing!I recently learned this difference in both Prague and Reykjavik.... but, I'm getting ahead of myself here. Some people feel that they would have it all if they just had a significant other. That mentality leads to settling and agreeing to that person because of a delicate equation of time spent+morals-patience/time left. This isn't proven with mathematics or science, but just what I've noticed from women (and one man) that I respect and used to admire--- idolize their marriage. Prior to this observation, I was venturing out into new states and opportunities, hoping to be rerouted with a "good find." For the right person, I was open to slowing up so we could prepare to launch somewhere together. My imagination scribbled plans of following his job and starting anew a build a network because he would already have our direction. It wasn't until the corruption of the marriages I adored loosened their bandages that I removed my gaze from cloud-framed imagination and I amped-up my hustle. Put in longer hours, said no dates (while spending no effort on excuses to suitors), and cut my spending in half. Put up signs for a garage sale and hit the library in the Non-Fiction section. After pouring over 10% of the geography books 3 branches in Fort Worth had to offer, I spread my wings to Dallas and received notice from a friend with a mutual obsession for travel. A week later, it was official: I had my own ticket to ride. .....Actually, I got 7 tickets to ride. On Christmas Eve, I kissed my family, tradition, and a ham feast goodbye as I boarded a 787 Dreamliner to London. Nontraditional, not regrettable, and inevitably unforgettable. For the next 19 days, Prague, Brussels, Bruges, Dublin, Howte, Glasgow, Edinburgh, and Reykjavik became my temporary home. I became my own ticket and took my imagination for a ride. There is more that fuels you than a significant other; find it and pursue it passionately. Be Your Own Escape like the Blue Lagoon was to me in 32 degree weather in Iceland.His guilt is always loaded
And his words are ammunition His pressure strikes my chords like a trained musician He afflicts more than pain yet holds expectation Of mercy-dipped compassion --free of allegation A mirage of infinity miles in the distance My true heartbreak harbors in my stream of least resistance Is it possible this power you still have?
Phone lines and e-mails topped with a laugh The unlikely contender, but holding your own Comfortable coops are meant to be flown from Unsure whom holds greater insecurities From sweet somethings to screams Reflexes hyper-aware, you turn recluse As not to suspect manipulation you'll use The most beautiful thing you've ever seen Spawns pure evil with thorns in between Sharp seclusion pins feathers with wire Inhale my smoke, because this girl is on fire Let's Pretend:You don't still have some of the best years of my life. I've had as much fun sneaking around in any setting than that dorm with you. Our first kiss didn't shock me to my core. Electrifying. Grr-grrr-grrrease lightening Our last kiss was something I thought would happen-- like we would die holding hands like in The Notebook. The end was only rocking-chair-rocky and that I was fair to you. I didn't keep your letters; every last one. I didn't hide the 3 scrapbooks full of memories from myself. I don't feel a sharp pain deep in my abdomen when I see your name pop-up on my best friend's phone. I've forgotten: the passion, the tears, the ambition, the phone calls, the encouragement to pursue our dreams, the endless laughter, the insiders, the adventures, the parents (all 3 of them~not including mine), the differences, the concerts, the chocolate, the plans... and how God had a different one in mind. The "me" we allowed each other to be were beautiful. I don't think I'll ever see that girl again and I can't pretend that's not a loss. A burial of the most powerful force I've encountered yet, and the dirt is still under my painted nails.. Sometimes, I acknowledge that's all I have left.I heard this song today and couldn't help but interpret it as his final thoughts. Maybe I'm no Selena, but boy did these raw words circle her in red. For awhile now, I've been trying to resist from checking on you. I know you're thriving and, I guess I'll have to leave it at that.Heat is out in the oven tonight, so no chance at 350.You stopped my world that 30th of November at Edmund's oast. Under the string lights with sour beers in our hands and something unfamiliar in the air. You infatuated me with your chivalry and intellect; your humor and your warm smile that radiated through your blue eyes didn't hurt either. Our Adventures continued to as we stroll through Charleston narrow streets in the rain, frequently reminding me I was beautiful, in case I didn't believe you the last time you told me. You inhaled my perspective on the world as you exhaled things that could crush you- should crush you, but haven't. You stood in confidence that you really do live a great life and you never miss an opportunity to exude appreciation.
You opened up to me like a motion detector door and felt he's in my presence. You led by example the peacefulness I should strive for. Your ice cube eyes begged me to abolish the worry, even if just for a moment in your presence. I wish I could have; we know I didn't. Although two seemingly different species of bird, we both flew. High from the ground with each other around, we paid little mind to our different size feathers, color of our fluff, and shape of our beak. Together, we touched clouds like that late afternoon at Tattooed Moose. I've never found a dive bar so romantic- so perfect. Oogling and oogling at each other like high school sweethearts, paying no mind to graduation or out-of-state college offers. Eyes locked, hands laced, and hearts intertwined. Day was perfect. The day you made me yours, the day we ignored the statistics, logistics, and fresh scars. That will always be one to remember. It's stitched into my feathers and it will soar with me till time is no longer traceable. You've affected me. You're Sensational passionate, unpredictable, hilarious, sensible, considerate, ambitious, indestructible, perspicacious, and altogether remarkable. I'm sorry I couldn't be what I agreed to be while nestled in your arms, diving into your tidal wave eyes. I'm resisting what I'm certain is a good thing. You are worth more and I know it will find you. This isn't goodbye. When the wind gusts, you can find me. We'll be flying and may share the same vantage point When playing with Shoots and Ladders, I should have exercised caution....Before starting the finale of Mr. Shoots and Ladders, I must highlight that I did NOT know the end of this fling upon choosing his name. Dare I say, this pretense is foreshadowing for how this unfolded. I climbed the ladder of date number two to his home in a small town, 35 minutes away. He introduced me to the interesting world of disc golf, in which I found out I’m not as atrocious as I thought.... Every sport I’ve ever played, I’ve won most spirited (dad was NOT proud); this game however, I had a decent overhead toss. I threw it with such fury that actually went places. Built up anguish? Nah. It didn’t hurt that he encouraged me with kisses along with the way of the course. We returned to his house where he made queso mac and cheese and something else I can’t remember. He cooked like a high schooler when his parents were out of town and they forgot to leave pizza money. I guess I didn’t mind the change of pace. He put on a movie, which seemed to be our MO but the slow, intentional kissing was an enjoyable sequel. It was the kind of kissing where your lips linger and the moment matters; it drew us from his couch to his bedroom. I ended up spending the night in his campfire-of-a-room so, I grabbed my handy dandy revolving fan that just so happen to be in my backseat. Why such a random hidden gem? Cuz I'm that cool, okay? We had pillow talk about exes and seemed to be starting something. Yet, I knew the shoot was just around the corner. Because I'm a female and I certainly have a crazy factor to me, a little bit of Facebook creeping revealed his mysterious ex shared the same name as me and attended the same University. A little bit too much of a coincidence for me... But I pushed the eerie fact aside. Upon discussing our next meeting, he revealed that it would again have to be at his house since his car was disabled as part of his legal agreement for his recent DUI. Damn Steph, again? Did you not learn from the guy that begged you to drink 3 glasses of water at a bar so he could pass his breathalyzer? What about the one that was day-drinking since 10 am and refused to take an Uber over driving his truck across three bridges with 17-inch tires? "Shoot," some girls don't learn their lessons.... Exercising forgiveness, I didn’t write him off. Then, he revealed he’s much more of a pot smoker, but since he’s in the military, he goes for things that don’t show up on a drug test. Ignorant when it comes to drugs and their chemical affect and ability to trace on a drug test, I inquired which drugs could he possibly pass a drug test with. "Shrooms and acid," he responded plainly. "I just like to sometimes unwind and not feel something." I have no clue why I didn't "feel something" about that red siren of a statement, but I proceeded with this fling that was guaranteed, in my mind, to be only that. Directly leading up to date number three, we exchanged some flirty texts at work. I'll be candid and reveal that I was the one that rolled the dice and "started it." After all, I like playing the game.... Okay, okay.... when I say flirty, I mean steamy, in the back of a parked car, with Rose’s hand marking through the condensation on the window. Woops? Hey, it made a Monday feel like a Friday in a blink and a wink... or 3. Date three was composed of Buffalo chicken dip with tortilla chips (another crafted after school special) and time enjoying my fan in the heat of the moments. The clock was the only "shoot," because I had to be up at 4 am to leave for my 4th of July trip. In the morning, he gave me a compliment and a coffee to-go. During my trip, he kept his distance aside from leaving a comment on my selfie for my night-out in West Virginia. A simple, "look at you." I didn't really know how to respond, so I sent an emoji. Then, days later after returning and a little radio silence, I landed on the ultimate "shoot." My response was totallyyyyyyyy falsified. Upon reading this, I was hurt, vulnerable, and at a self-esteem All Time Low (no relation to the fabulous punk band). My best friend swooped in and saved the day with advice for my response. Refusing him anymore power, she encouraged me to lie through my teeth and make it seem that not only was I not feeling this interaction either, but I was going to have the decency to end the fling in person. What hurt the most was the fact that a guy with fresh DUI and an avid acid dropper dumped ME! A girl with a great head on her shoulders, a brighter future, mastery cooking skills, treasure chest of jokes, and a heart of the rarest gold couldn't keep a guy like that. But then, it fazed me... What kind of self-deprecating train am I riding that would make me want a guy that admittedly wanted to feel numbness and would go to such great lengths to achieve it? Even though he's the one trippin' acid.... I certainly did my share of trippin' ;) To add insult to injury, he dropped my fan at my front door before I got off work. Now that's something I'm not a fan of... Mr. Shoots and Ladder's dessert is.....Because I'm still a little salty and it can only go up from here....
After our magical date to Aladdin, he sent me these series of messages:So after a great date and receiving messages like this, I was pretty surprised of this Millennials inability 2 send a text message confirm plans. Saturday, I hadn't heard from him, so I reached out because, ain't nobody got time for that. Crickets. I called him later that night, leaving another date. Still crickets. Wishing I would have remembered at that moment his favorite phrase of what he knew he deserved. I went to bed and awoke to two missed calls and a text saying to meet him at the beach for breakfast. "It supposed to rain all day, I responded. So..." Going to the beach in the rain is the most fun, he practically squealed via text. Or at least that's how I interpreted it. You're pretty hard-pressed to get me to deny an invitation to the beach, so I was ready, suit tied, sunscreen lathered, and backpacked. He took me to a beach about 45 minutes away since it was more private and he thought he got the military discount. Apparently, when you're inactive, you lose that status. I laughed it off that he certainly not his uncle's favorite nephew. Like he's never heard of Uncle Sam joke before, he laughed. We stopped at a cute little seafood shop on the way to the beach since I was famished. This meal was kind of a game changer. He revealed not only does he have divorce on his books, but the girl immediately following the divorce, cheated on him. This was only revealed through her Clinic from an infection she received. Girl that's got to be the worst. He said he was clean, yet incredibly betrayed. This relationship ended in March or April. Kind of recent, but being as empathetic as possible, but then he hit me with the truth that he resided in Virginia. When the fuck were you going to tell me that? This is why I don't date military or recently inactive military guys. He's only here for 3 months for work training.That is some shady, shady stuff. So, after divulging this information a little hard to swallow, we proceeded to the beach. We had a great time in the water.... or so I thought. The over-analyzing, slightly hyper-aware side of me noticed that he didn't touch me...not more than once. He didn't swim closer than two feet from me most the day, but we had fairly consistent conversation. I certainly don't have the build to be wearing an itty bitty teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini (nor have I shown my stomach like that near water since I was 13), but I'm not repulsive in a tankini (long two piece bathing suit). Well, he made me feel like it. It's kinda something I can sense... especially from someone not the least bit shy about conveying his surface values. 90% of the guys I know would have had no problem being closer than two feet from me in the OCEAN and wouldn't have discarded me because my body isn't a size 4. I know because following this date, I asked a couple of my guy friends to make sure. When he suggested we leave the beach, he suggested another adventure. Why does this sound familiar? Obviously, I was up for the challenge, even though my self-esteem was a tad low. I was curious if he was just saying it so I reiterated, "Hey, be honest. If you've had enough Stephanie for the day, no worries. I can just shower at home and chill." "No. Let's just reconvene. I'll shower at my house, you at yours, and I'll text you." Yet another hint he's losing attraction towards me. Guys that are into me, even the respectful ones, would have at least made a joke or suggestion about, I don't know getting a rub a dub dub together ( rubber duckie may be required). I knew then I wouldn't see him again. The ride home, he played Tom Petty and beamed saying, "See? I listen." Smiling, I knew this didn't change anything. Maybe it was something he did so his conscious would simmer down. As we pulled up to my house, he kissed me lightly and with no emotion. I didn't look back after closing his door. He just closed it on me, why bother? I wasn't surprised when it took him over an hour to text: "Not to be an asshole but, I'm just gonna stay and get food here." As my fairwell and reassurance to both myself and him that he did not break me and I knew I deserved honesty and values beyond skin-deep, I said: "oh! lol I've been in my pj's over an hour! When you make adventures, I just assume you're gonna renege ;P" I didn't expect a response, but he managed a: "Damn. Sounds comfy." Nothing like a blow to the ole self-esteem. I guess he couldn't handle that my hips didn't lie about the couple burgers and fries. Remember the crumbs from last night's post? Here's your use for Mr. Deserted. He deserted a Miss Dates and Cakes.... if only he knew I had the other s....
She didn't trip and fall into love |
AuthorChef Steph cooking up trouble. If she can't find anything real, she bakes real good sweets. Chocolate really may mend a broken heart... Archives
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