"She's got a ticket to ride and she don't care." Beatles bumping, spirit flapping, and mind buzzing, she does it again.I'm trapped. Strapped. Secluded. Isolated. I need out. Need something new. "I'm begging you to be my escape." After watching relationships of ones I love, my heart bled for their misery. This was especially true when I inquired of the reason for starting the relationship. My level of astonishment couldn't be measured. This isn't a romantic comedy where the music shift foreshadows the revelation of the protagonist. This music was never turned up. They exchanged their dreams of "happily ever after" for 5 minute sex and a cigarette after or a sunset with nightmare laughter. They jumped out of singleness, painted gloomy into taken, shackled with diamonds. No one bothered to chip away at the paint, they just wanted a highway to happiness. I can't blame them--- certainly sounds like a highway I would set the cruise to 90 on. But, what the signs don't tell you is this is not "the" highway to happiness, there are always alternative modes of transportation to achieve this ultimate goal. The signs offer no warning that the road may take you to a similar fog from happiness you're currently enduring. Daylight and Sunlight are NOT the same thing!I recently learned this difference in both Prague and Reykjavik.... but, I'm getting ahead of myself here. Some people feel that they would have it all if they just had a significant other. That mentality leads to settling and agreeing to that person because of a delicate equation of time spent+morals-patience/time left. This isn't proven with mathematics or science, but just what I've noticed from women (and one man) that I respect and used to admire--- idolize their marriage. Prior to this observation, I was venturing out into new states and opportunities, hoping to be rerouted with a "good find." For the right person, I was open to slowing up so we could prepare to launch somewhere together. My imagination scribbled plans of following his job and starting anew a build a network because he would already have our direction. It wasn't until the corruption of the marriages I adored loosened their bandages that I removed my gaze from cloud-framed imagination and I amped-up my hustle. Put in longer hours, said no dates (while spending no effort on excuses to suitors), and cut my spending in half. Put up signs for a garage sale and hit the library in the Non-Fiction section. After pouring over 10% of the geography books 3 branches in Fort Worth had to offer, I spread my wings to Dallas and received notice from a friend with a mutual obsession for travel. A week later, it was official: I had my own ticket to ride. .....Actually, I got 7 tickets to ride. On Christmas Eve, I kissed my family, tradition, and a ham feast goodbye as I boarded a 787 Dreamliner to London. Nontraditional, not regrettable, and inevitably unforgettable. For the next 19 days, Prague, Brussels, Bruges, Dublin, Howte, Glasgow, Edinburgh, and Reykjavik became my temporary home. I became my own ticket and took my imagination for a ride. There is more that fuels you than a significant other; find it and pursue it passionately. Be Your Own Escape like the Blue Lagoon was to me in 32 degree weather in Iceland.
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His guilt is always loaded
And his words are ammunition His pressure strikes my chords like a trained musician He afflicts more than pain yet holds expectation Of mercy-dipped compassion --free of allegation A mirage of infinity miles in the distance My true heartbreak harbors in my stream of least resistance Since once again I'm on the move, I figured I could share a brief post of encouragement I've found in my travels....In no relation to Linkin Park, I found this beauty in Manhattan one night in September on the way to dinner.In a Dallas library, more specifically "the hood" aka Oak Cliff, I found this beautiful dedication. Find beauty everywhere, friends-- especially in singleness.A map contains infinite road ways to my heart; mine presently has 9 countries and counting.My road of singleness is a blessing. Being the sole navigator to my next destination is liberating.How else would I be able to:
Living abroad taught me that I can adapt to almost anything. I'm kind of a bad ass bitch (no DNA test needed) and a force to be reckoned with because I survived the alleged sex trafficking and terrorism in Europe. I actually enjoy spending time with myself, which is contrary to how I felt before this trip. I learned I don't want to tolerate life, but enjoy it. My initiative on this trip proves that I have the power to change anything that makes me unhappy my life, within reason of course. I also learned, not in a feminist way, but empowering way that I don't need a man. Like fighting this societal trend of pressuring you to feel like you need someone else to be complete when you're rapidly approaching the age of 30. I didn't let myself down. And honestly, people thought I would be home sick and get sex trafficked or kidnapped or would have you and I had nothing but great stories to come back with and a certain fulfillment that I wasn't even looking for.... Like the dots on a map, the raspberries are just that; sweet upon meeting and tart upon departure. Cake:
Glaze & Decoration:
Let's Pretend:You don't still have some of the best years of my life. I've had as much fun sneaking around in any setting than that dorm with you. Our first kiss didn't shock me to my core. Electrifying. Grr-grrr-grrrease lightening Our last kiss was something I thought would happen-- like we would die holding hands like in The Notebook. The end was only rocking-chair-rocky and that I was fair to you. I didn't keep your letters; every last one. I didn't hide the 3 scrapbooks full of memories from myself. I don't feel a sharp pain deep in my abdomen when I see your name pop-up on my best friend's phone. I've forgotten: the passion, the tears, the ambition, the phone calls, the encouragement to pursue our dreams, the endless laughter, the insiders, the adventures, the parents (all 3 of them~not including mine), the differences, the concerts, the chocolate, the plans... and how God had a different one in mind. The "me" we allowed each other to be were beautiful. I don't think I'll ever see that girl again and I can't pretend that's not a loss. A burial of the most powerful force I've encountered yet, and the dirt is still under my painted nails.. Sometimes, I acknowledge that's all I have left.I heard this song today and couldn't help but interpret it as his final thoughts. Maybe I'm no Selena, but boy did these raw words circle her in red. For awhile now, I've been trying to resist from checking on you. I know you're thriving and, I guess I'll have to leave it at that.Heat is out in the oven tonight, so no chance at 350.A $45 parking ticket, rejection letter from Phase 4 of the job you were dreaming of, and news you'll have to be in "the boot" for 2 broken toes 2 more weeks couldn't contribute more to the notorious "Manic Monday." When the door AND windows seem closed.....Since my soul never quite seemed kindred to one place and I have a fervid fascination with strange places and foreign people, I believed being a Flight Attendant would be my calling. Our neighbors are strangers until we engage them. My best friend I sat next to on the bus and began cracking jokes with was once stranger. The most influential boss I've ever had was a stranger until she hired me. My ex's were all once strangers... and are yet strangers once again. I've never seen the word as negative, but almost as alluring. As a child, I earned the reputation of a leader and if no one followed, I slowed my momentum only slightly. I've never followed high fashion or most mainstream music. My own father called my strange this week since I can fit (strategically) everything I own into my silver Honda Civic. Strange is familiar and maybe, just maybe that's the reason I feel so comfortable in cities that have never heard my steps. This desperation for new environments, cultures, and entrees drove me to apply to 9 airlines to become a flight attendant. What better way to meet as many diverse people and see as many cities on someone else's dime than to be the eye in the sky!? Well, after I never heard from 6 of them, I waited eagerly for Delta, since I've passed 3 phases since August. Today, that journey ended for this application. Sure, I can try again next season... As "You Had a Bad Day" bounces in my cranium, I can't help but feel this rejection trumps any prior boy rejection I've had this year. Quite frankly... I can only recall two.... One was Mr. Makes me feel like a Barbie and the latter was flip a girl for her friend. Apparently flipping a coin just wouldn't do.... Now that we've had a good laugh and a bittersweet memory jogger (doesn't possess the endurance to be a runner), I smile from the encouraging texts from friends and sigh. Sigh and smile. Like a Cars' song, this was "just what I needed." <3
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AuthorChef Steph cooking up trouble. If she can't find anything real, she bakes real good sweets. Chocolate really may mend a broken heart... Archives
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