I thought I was being open-minded, but I was really being stupid. Purposely going for guys painfully out of my type did nothing but reinforce my type. Intellectuals are a must! I don't care if they have adventurous hobbies or tales of being deployed all over the green and blue globe. Attraction is a necessity I've been ignoring in the guys I've entertained dating. I don't mean entertained on day dreams while shooting whiskey at the bar, I mean guys I've actually poured effort into getting to know. I kept trying to push personality and be open-minded. It was if I was exploring creativity in seeking love in a town that feels rotten to me. But, then it hit me; I didn't know what I wanted. I was just picking up pebbles along the way to passing time. One pebble on a disk golf course, one at church, one at the cinema, one over cheese fries, and one in a pedicab. At the end of the day they all ended things with me. It left me dissatisfied either way. So I finally checked out of the app; like that book which under your bed, it was long overdue. Although I hope not to look back for at least a couple months or so, I still I had a few leads that exchange information with before deleting it.
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You peeled open the pages with poise.
Turned one after the other with very little noise. Forward-thinking and forward flipping. Easy to crinkle when your grip was slipping. Second chapter, you creased the binding. Loyalty to the author — a scarce finding. Closing time: pages pressed like agendas. Colorful pages concealed and tossed on a credenza. Undressed expectations and critic-strung words. Loose leaf emotional intelligence took off like birds. The hardback harbors settled after settled dust. Caked with self-righteous, masking true disgust. Pride prevented prying open promised prints. Until seasons rolled back around, But then the narrative couldn’t be found. So you slapped the pages furiously past, In realization that not all good things last. Blank pages you’re disgruntled to fill, Best wishes finding another protagonist to spill. People are who they say they are.... but who they truly are is not necessarily conveyed through words.I've learned this agonizing lesson time and time and TIME again. I don't just live for handing out second chances like microwave wings at Sam's Club, I award first chances-- initial chances to people I've already made a hypothesis that something about them is "questionable." I allow complete skeezes to leech my most valuable resource: time. I used to think this was a habit of younger Stephanie; the naive girl that believed bff really was forever and one matching bracelet could link two people through adulthood. This was the same girl that was devastated when her "bff" from 6th grade not only kissed her crush in front of her while muttering the words, "what's wrong?" but, had the audacity to snake a guy about to ask her to the spring fling. She didn't even have the nerve to confess her actions... had another friend, whom also later engaged in betrayal, tell the ugly truth. This is also the girl who believed when a military guy's orders didn't quite line up, his "working late" alibis had gaps, and his intentions were strictly manipulative and sexual, he still cares about you and wants to take you to prom. This girl had grown up. This girl had learned a great deal from experiences as well as books; as she learned from bruises and bloody scars. This girl learned that blood is no thicker than tap water or bottom shelf vodka, but it stings just as much. She learned that love always has conditions and they only become more apparent with age. She learned spring cleaning applies to all facets of her life, especially friendship. You are who you hang out with and "if you start hanging with trash, you're going to smell like it." She learned she could be as vengeful as the least of her friends and she had to check her mental. She knew how it felt to the nth degree and cultivated the art of "pushing away." She learned this as a little girl on the playground, the first time her pink converse pushed away from the earth with great momentum. As the swing wizzed through the humid air, she smiled at her strength and glimpse of control. She pushed away people with a high probability of her harming. There was never an intentional plan for harm, but when she feared their attachment or even projected dependency was greater than her's, she fled. She strives to "save them" even today. One thing, however, she never mastered was to push away those that possessed the ability to harm her with no remorse. She let people into her planner and home. Quickly followed by her trust, which was down the street from her heart. While on the sidewalk, they would exhibit reckless behavior and seedy intentions, but the door was still opened, with fresh-squeezed lemonade at the door. The neighbors or worst of all, the out-of-towners, would parade the sidewalk for all the lemonade they could drink without stepping foot inside. The lemon tree flourished with tart resilience, but the sugar canister was hallowed of every granule. Depleted from
She realized, she has to fill her own sugar jar and sparingly share the lemonade; when you're left on the porch swing looking out at the world, sometimes just one glass of lemonade you've created is all you need.A continuation of why girls, the really great girls, fall for bad boys....Are we imprisoned by their edgy look and questionable ambition.... or is it something deeper?"Bad boys are genetically more fun. Who wants to follow the rules? There's just something so much more appealing to me. They dress better, they have a sleeve of tattoos, and if you're lucky, a motorcycle. My mom and sister said they too would love states for my current bad boy. Bad boys are naturally players and of your psyche, your ID is narcissistic, so these boys feed that sense of self. If you get the bad boy, you feel like the girl next door. " "I was heartbroken and he gave me enough attention and kind of made me feel like I was needed. Even though on you, deep down. It wouldn't go anywhere. I was in a place where he fit the bill. The one time I didn't want something long-term." Your standards aren't even there and you were needing somebody and they were there." " I was much younger than I am now and much less experience than I am now when these bad boys made their way into my life. I was such a good girl and a good girl wants a bad boy. I was 16 and he was a bad boy and all his friends were and I just felt safe and secure around him. They are kind of a forbidden fruit that you have to have. He was such a douche and I never really got it got what I wanted, but I kept going after it anyway. He was a nice guy but his lifestyle made him bad." I LOVED how genuine these responses were from the dozens of girls I polled. Some of their perspectives really hit me in the gut. It made me realize... there's another vantage point completely neglected....It's a man's world (still...don't get me started. I'll sit down...for now), so let's get a man's perspective on why the grandest of girls go for the baddest of boys."Honestly I think because they don’t know what it’s like to be treated by a guy that has good intentions." "Either she really really cares and loves him no matter or doesn't believe anyone that he is a bad guy at all.... and I couldn't tell you why girls like that stuff. " "Bc good guys are boring and having something to fix is easy to confuse with someone to build." "Girls like danger. A guy with an edge to him will always get the girl over a guy who is perceived to be boring." "I would say it stems from insecurities." "It’s an ego thing, people want what they can’t have. They try and Change people. I feel like a lot has to deal with perception and how we were raised.Love languages are important and I feel like personality traits play a part also." "Usually it's because at first they make them feel secure and loved and over time the guy tends to forget that he still needs to show love and stops and sees the girl is still with him even though he's a dick . He gets a taste of that and has no reason to change . The girl stays with him because she thinks deep down inside he will change." "Good guys are boring." "Eventually yes, they go for the “bad” guy. Whether that means he’s a jerk or just a style or how he treats her or just not Mr. RightIn my personal experiences no one is ever really ready to find what they are actually looking forSo when they do they sabotage it and more often then not rebound or run back to what’s comfortable or safe, and even though on paper the nice guy seems like the safe choice relative to the bad boy, the nice guy is actually far more scary because he’s something to lose, he can hurt the girl worse than any bad boy ever couldI spent the last 2 years in an on and off relationship with my absolute soul mate. Over the course of the 2 years she ran 3 times. The first time she told me she loved me. When we started living together. And after she asked me to go ring shopping and we picked out a ring and put money down on it.Each time lead to a panic attack, freak out, anxiety whateverShe’ll always come back to me cuz she knows I’m the guy for her, but when she gets everything she’s ever wanted she loses control, has something to lose, is vulnerableSo more often then not in our swipe first, fuck second, feelings later society when people find the right one (guys or girls) they find a way to sabotage itAnd then it compounds because everyone gets sick of being the one getting hurt. I went and did the rebound thing after the last time we split up and I’m sure I hurt some feelings in the process (even though I was 100% transparent).A nice guy isn’t gonna give you a reason to leave, he’s gonna treat you right and what if you get scared? What if you’re not ready for forever? Then what?" "In my opinion I’d have to say it’s some sort of thrill. Possibly connected to some sort of childhood trauma if you will. But if someone believes that all of their partners are bad then they will constantly seek out bad partners to justify their thinking." "Well first off im 1 of the good ones 😂 but always wondered the same thing and why its always the really really good looking girls that seem to have it all that go for that type of guy. The girl i am currently seeing almost 2 months now yaaay go me 😂 u do chat about past relationships and things and she had been with ex's in the past shall we say none of them good... and she knew that going into those relationships and i asked why would any girl do that to herself if she knows the guy is no good will cheat, use, or abuse or whatever... she said she thinks girls like that that go for guys like that want that kind of a 'project' challenge whatever u wanna call it and be the girl to make that guy change for her... make of that what u may 🤔🤔🤔🙄🙄🙄 its a mystery that may never be solved... bad boys will always be popular and not going out of fashion anytime soon 😂" "I believe girls tend to fall for bad guys because they might feel like they have an exclusive ticket to being a part of the “bad guy’s” emotional and loving side. Everyone loves having access to something that is rare and I feel like it’s the same deal with girls and “bad guys”, they get to see their emotional side." "It goes back to prehistoric times then women choose on how big and strong as well as how many wives and children he has as the bigger the family the better the chance ofsuccess when hunting for food this attraction is still in women's DNA." " I guess it’s exciting maybe?" "Personally I think woman get bored; they want excitement. They always think of what could be more and never wanna settle for good. Good isn’t good enough they need change something different something dangerous something to excite them." "It's actually kind of simple; they think the good guys are boring. I mean if a good guy gets up goes to work at a good job where he can sustain a future he doesnt have time to devote every waking moment to someone and bad guys have made women so insecure and other women and their hoeish tendencies help create more insecurities that if he is 10 mins later than normal coming in from work because he stayed later she is going to wonder what he is doing or who he is with. Plus a bad guys will give a false sense of security every woman wants to feel safe and a good guy doesn't give them that because it goes back to they feel they are boring because they don't push the envelope or have friends they shouldn't hangout with because they know they can get in trouble and potentially mess up their career and goals. Good guys do end up getting a good girl in the end because a real woman falls for a good man while girls fall for the bad boy." There's a handful of lovely quotes still to be shared... catch ya on the flip side #sunnyside^
​I know that there's Athens, Santorini, and daring Dallas to talk about but, I must honor this holiday by recalling the relationship that once was, years ago, affiliated with this holiday.
April fools is usually a time of sneers and the lies that you laugh off, BUT this is actually one of the few holidays I ended relationship. Yes. There's more than one holiday I've broken things off with a guy....
I never intended to sever relations on a special day, things just going to happen that way. I'm not one for dragging things on. I'm not a pair of Christmas lights, I don't like to be strung along, so I strive to follow the golden rule on this one. ​This dreamy dude was already referenced as Mr. Africa.... feel free to reference below;)
https://datesandcakes.weebly.com/connection-casualties/the-forgotten-dusting-off-dates-dwindling-in-the-dark
For a one month relationship, Mr. Africa and I bonded beyond anticipation of either of our gypsy souls.
Okay, not that kind of gut feeling cause I wish somebody would question my gut! One of the worst ways to die is hungry so I have no shame in my less-than-flat stomach.
What about him wasn't right? HE'S GORGEOUS! And he finds me attractive! WHAT>! I even had a friend be real with me and say, "Steph, I love you but, DAMN, how did you get him?! Hold onto that one." I aggreed with her. 4 words: out of my league! So, at our next date, at this renown festival about 45 minutes north of Charleston, on April Fool's Day.... I broke up with him. It's easy to look back on things and ponder opportunities missed. I take full responsibility as a fool for ending something really great before I knew it was spoiled. Quite frankly, it may have never been spoiled... for a cute Spud such as himself, I picked a deceptive dessert, not for him as the fool that took off running, but for me. A fool then, I know I'm a bit wiser now. I'm not certain that he would have prevented me from delving into my Spanish Adventure oh, but I don't think I would be the same person but I am in this very moment, typing this post with a bulldog on my lap if I wouldn't have ventured on that trip alone. Maybe singleness is its own form of Fools Gold. --No, I don't mean the Matthew McConaughey movie
Sneaky Stephanie Sundae
Even with a gut feeling to sever things, I mashed any plans of a future and left him as salty as a brown gravy. The cherry tomato on top was that he probably is to-date, the hottest guy I've ever dated. I loathe potatoes. LOATHE them. French fries are the only potato I'll indulge in (sweet potatoes are a whole different dimension). This ingredient emphasizes my foolishness, not to end things based on a gut feeling I still can't describe, but to end things on a holiday of any kind. https://www.foodnetwork.ca/fun-with-food/photos/fake-foods-for-april-fools-day/#!mashed-potato-sundae Don't be a fool and break-up on a holiday. Isn't the break-up memorable enough than to be affiliated with a celebration printed on a calendar? Silly Steph, fool's day is for kids!Prologue for the guy I traveled the world with.When I created dates and cakes, I was a solid year and a half into my full-blown serial dating binge. After breaking off a relationship of 4 years, not only did I not know how to be single, but for the first time oh, I discovered I was cute. Wait, what Stephanie? You were a 26 year old that reached an epiphany that you were physically appealing to the opposite sex (and some girls)? To answer plainly: yes. I've always attracted very beautiful friends and those girls receive the attention, teddy bears, concert ticket, invitations to meet his parents - you name it! And me? I was almost the GateKeeper; the approachable one that was the friends. Quite frankly, I didn't mind, usually. I had less pressure, less heartbreak, less attachment opportunities, and less external influence on my path for college. My friends with Highschool sweethearts faced resistance, distance, and all but one severing from their love permanently. Sure, I had a couple guys that showed interest, but it never seemed to last long, not to mention, some of my pretty friends at the time, we're so attention-starved, that they would actually snake some of the guys that showed interest in me. Kissing my crush in front of my face after sneaking out of my friends window, calling me to report that the guy that asked me to the dance is now her boyfriend, and feeding a potential guy lies and then "falling asleep in his bed," are just a few of the fouls from my own teammates. Guys are not always to blame. It takes two sweetheart. A couple seasons were played with best friends, but eventually, they changed their jerseys for another. * * * * * My long-distance relationship came to a fork in the road and with God's guidance, I took the prong Less Traveled. While most people in my Facebook feed were celebrating engagements and weddings, I was picking up the pieces of my relationship and that of my two best friends' relationships that also ended after long-term mutual infatuation. One positive of such a wild fate of three relationships that were certain to last forever, was that we weren't alone. As we rewired our new lives, dancing and clubbing became a frequent necessity. Free drinks, collecting phone numbers for sport, and pocketing compliments from not just boys, but men of all flavors became our purpose for existence... Or so it seemed. Fun in the freedom, I began my dating spree of juggling several guys at one time, bouncing from downtown Fort Worth to Uptown Dallas, and even met some guys on weekend trips. There are many stories falling off my lips to my friends about hilarious or outrageous dates never made it to print. I'm on a quest now to unearth that lost time and I'm sure as hell going to try to capture it and bring it to life on dates and cakes. The most pertinent story to serve as the prologue for my finale for my Euro trip, is that of Mr. Butterwall. Yes, like Wonderwall but smoother and not serenaded by Oasis. One of the many (hey at least honesty is valued by yours truly) drunken nights at our favorite Speakeasy in Deep Ellum, Dallas. My best friend and I danced under the vintage chandeliers, no different from any other Saturday night spent in "T&A." A tan, medium-height guy with a finely trimmed beard approached my bestie, while a lighter hair gentleman approached me. After several dances and drinks, the tan , bearded man and found himself on my hips and the paler one was on my best friend's lips. Nothing like an ol Switcheroo. Well, not embarrassed to say, I don't remember much after that. We stumbled our way out of the underground bar and apparently, I pushed him against the brick wall adjacent to the club (particularly in front of an insomnia donut stand) and started making out, hardcore, with him. Ah, the name is starting to make a little sense. So, Mr. Butterwall and I exchanged contact information and set up a date at On the Border. We both were surprised to clearly see each other's facial features in the light. After exchanging banter over chips and queso and margaritas, it was clear he was looking for no commitment. I was having fun gallivanting the field, so.... we lost touch after that date. I moved to Charleston four months later or so, and about a year after that, he went to Japan by himself for two weeks. I ogled at his traveling pictures and then the conversation faded. When I went to Ireland for 8 days, he ogled at my abroad venture. Travel was another commonality, aside from kissing strangers. Six months later, now to the current day (not even three weeks ago actually), he saw my location change on Facebook displaying I was residing in Madrid, Spain. "You live there? O-Kay." Here comes the sarcasm that probably provoked the kissing outside the Donut Shop in Deep Ellum. His dessert, obviously. No recipe needed since I know nothing about him except how to push him against a wall.After learning of my three month journey and the rapidly approaching and date, he took a plunge and decided to join me for the last 8 days while I was still in Europe. Coincidentally, he had a flight voucher about to expire and vacation time burning a hole in his pocket.
That kids, is How I Met Your Mother. Just kidding. Definitely not trying to have no babies. But that's how I accrued a travel buddy at the end of my three-month self-discovery on another continent. Stay tuned for more Adventures...
The first official boss I ever had (I say that because, I had began babysitting at the ripe age of 12) became very nurturing and comfortable with a couple of her favorite employees. She would have them over to her home for barbecues, spend time with her family, moon them while in a moving car-- the whole nine. Yes, you read that correctly. I saw the white ass of virtually my first boss ever while driving. I'm surprised that's not an offence: indecency while driving, distracting and reckless , moonlighting.... the ideas may never "end." Needless to say, I was one of the lucky favorites. Everyone has one...and typically if you don't believe that, you're not necessarily the favorite. ... just saying from cold experience. Well, another one of the favorites also happens to be a character you've been introduced to in the "Best Friend Nano Series." Tiffany was another favorite at our first job, where we met 14 years ago. I think I have a tear in my eye. Aside from receiving a biweekly paycheck at a whopping $5.25 an hour, Tiffany and I being practically adopted into our boss' family. Another thing, less scaring, but just as impressionable than the mooning, was her dating history she shared briefly with us. I remember it like it was yesterday.... God help me if that was true! I don't know what I wore, how many people I called on the phone, or if I had breakfast yesterday. #68yearoldina28yearoldsbody She said, "Before I met my husband, [bobo hobo], I used to go out with ALLLL KINDSSSS OF BOYS. I would kiss 'em and then dump 'em. People at school started calling me the dump truck." I actually haven't thought of that story until now, because I was reflecting on my endless lists of dates and flavors of the week that have come and gone last night in the shower. That's where I get a lot of my thinking and American Idol singing done-- the acoustics are quite suitable for my vocal cords-- and the lighting and free fog with no machine needed. I remembered that a sweet, silly, successful woman was in a similar position I am in her 20's and sometimes, that's okay. Not that I needed reassurance because anyone that knows me, knows I do what I want BUT, it was kind of nice reminisce about a woman whom I forgot affected my life at 16 and have her affect my life again at 28. It's easy to let the past be overshadowed by the future, especially if you have big plans (which I pray you do). But, I think the past is upmost significant because it built and bridged you to "here." And "here" is always temporary, so I want to savor it. I must remember to, as should you. Here and now, I can relate to my boss, the mooner and the artist formerly known as pr-- I mean, "dump truck." My next here, I may be relating to my successful, licensed best friend back home whom saves children every day or even my grandmother whom always believed "someone had it worse" and refused to let complaints taint her little peach lips. Here in singleness, I'll continue to cultivate sweetness- Dig. In. Dirt Dessert is the most grounding sweet finish |
Slept in last night's clothes and tomorrow's dreams | The road outside my house |
Bring home the boys and scrap scrap metal the tanks. Get hitched and make a career out of robbing banks; Because the world is just a teller and we are wearing black masks. "You broke our spirit," says the note we pass
Take our tears and put them on ice; cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light
You're just the girl all the boys want to dance with | Am I more than you bargained for..... yet? |
I'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake. The hand behind this pen relives a failure every day.
He introduced me to his friends, invited me to festivals, made beignets, slept over a couple times.... the list goes on. He was incredible, but I wouldn't let him make me his. At one point during our "dating season," during one of our countless heart-to-hearts he looked deep into my eyes and told me he could see that I didn't think I was beautiful. It was the most raw moment I've had with even counselors of mine. I'll never forget it.
That's the thing I've really learned about nice guys: they're everywhere, but not always where you need them to be. Physically, geographically, emotionally, mentally, even blissfully. Love, like life is about reactions to supernatural experiences-- any minute, any year. Love is so much more than finding someone that checks your boxes, makes you smile, or downright respects you. I haven't been able to wrap my head around it yet, but I'm finally starting to enjoy the ride.
Beauty encompasses this world, we just have to be intentional when seeking it.
Not all endings are quite that sweet.....
This is barbaric and I refuse to furnish a brownie recipe to this pan of ends..... since all these good guys from this series ended not in
happily ever after.
Nice guys are all around, you just need to search for them.... sometimes even in the past.
Well, looking back, I found a poem I wrote for one of the top 3 greatest men I know. He takes the cake for this series... that's why his dessert is mini cakes so he can share-- we don't want one blog post stealing all the shine, making the other posts jealous. Why? Because, then one post will start poking "Looking" and "Looking" will say,
"watch your fingers."
One post will say, "Oh, I've gotta finger for ya."
"Looking" says, "You're about to have one less."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah"
"Wanna take this outside?"
"I thought you'd punk out. Come on!"
And now you have this full-blown brawl of two blog posts and there's no referee because Stephanie can't login and the fans have nothing to read because Weebly says: "Please stand by. We are experiencing some technical difficulties." And then the fans become disgruntled, because they don't want to stand, while others believe big brother is watching because "how else would Weebly know I was standing at my computer?" And then I would huff and puff and.... we would all fall down.
So, to avoid this, ring around the nice guys, you get a mini cheesecake and YOU get a mini cheesecake; you all get mini cheesecakes!
Thanks for not saying we need a break
Thanks for listening and trying to understand my twisted mind
Thanks for keeping rational even though my words weren’t kind
Thanks for opening up- your soul and then your home
I’m tragically sorry for our beautiful relationship that was almost blown,
Shred to pieces from a materialistic piece of mind, your girl straight trippin'
How selfish and cruel, those pieces of your heart, I was slowly chippin'
I’m sorry a thousand times more for practically belittling your efforts
But no matter what was said, all u have given emotionally, physically, and mentally has NOT been severed
I appreciate this trip and every trip we take
I appreciate every meal out and every meal you make
I appreciate your smile and your overwhelming courage to let me in
What hurts most about what I did is that I love you by every hair of your. chiny chin chin
Can’t believe I hurt you. I caused pain to my most dear
In retrospect, I may have ruined our whole year
But you calmed me and reassured me, it will be alright
I’m so sorry my materialistic selfishness caused that fight
I’m sorry I “got used to” your charm and generous daily portrayals of emotion
After my harsh words, I hope you can still feel my devotion
For you, I truly have a heart full of love
I'm at peace in your arms with a hug
So I’m sorry for letting the commercialism of valentines completely blind
My eyes to the real man before me who has devoted all his time
To making me happy and enhancing my worth
You don’t pressure me with physical needs or glorify your man turf
Your respect for me is sensational and your love for me could move mountains
I’m sorry I messed up so badly because I know on me you were counting
I hope I didn’t let you down too much
Last night was very rough
And I will try to make it up.
The past has more relevance than many pay tribute. Having a grasp on your past, your family's past, or even your country's past, is detrimental to its future. The knowledge you earned from the pages of the past can build or crumble ambitions for the future.
Looking back is vital, just be sure not to make a nest there. Now THAT should be a key chain! BAM!
As promised in the PAST (2 minutes or so), here are the coveted mini-cheesecakes
- 1 cup graham cracker crumbs
- 3/4 cup + 2 Tbsp. sugar, divided
- 3 Tbsp. butter y'all, melted
- 3 blocks of Cream Cheese for the pictures!, softened
- 1 tsp. pure vanilla... pure like genuine gentlemen
- 3 eggcited about this recipe
- 2 cups blueberries
- 1 Tbsp. lemon zest of the past
- Heat oven to 325°F.
- Combine graham crumbs, 2 Tbsp. sugar and butter; press onto bottoms of greased mini muffin pan. If you wish to cook them all at once, you will need two of these pans.
- Beat cream cheese, vanilla and remaining sugar with mixer until blended. Add eggs, 1 at a time, mixing on low speed after each just until blended. Spoon over crusts.
- Bake 25 to 30 min. or until centers are almost set. Cool completely. Refrigerate 2 hours.
- Top with blueberries and zest. If only relationships were this precise....
Author
Chef Steph cooking up trouble. If she can't find anything real, she bakes real good sweets. Chocolate really may mend a broken heart...
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