I've started to realize that attraction doesn't offer a choice. It comes without warning, very little consideration, and spreads like a sickness. The symptoms sometimes overwhelm you before you even realize what it is. Feelings are a lot like the flu; there's always new strands that come out of nowhere, vaccinations are in no form or fashion a guaranteed shield, and are just a pinch before the real pain, and there is no 24 hour cure. Regardless of what you "learned" from the last one, you're as helpless and vulnerable as before. Love vaccinations are often in the form of substances, distractions, interruptions, and procrastinations. You can double doses, you can wash your hands of it, but sweetheart, it's only a matter of time before your head ices and your heart is engulfed in flames. Mutual infatuation is the only cure known to date... and even then, there are new symptoms found with this "remedy..." if you can even call it that. How can I speak so boldly about this? The serial dating, hard-to-hold-on-to, gypsy soul of mine has come down with this flu. Reluctant to put in print, yet here I am. It consumes my thoughts, stamps my future plans with charcoal question marks, and amps my anxiety to a 9000. Sure, it seems mutual now, but I know far too well how this goes. When I'm the one that's interested, they find a way to slither away, leaving me "laid up with a broken heart." I've tried the remedies and I know the repercussions. I've actually openly discussed it with a guy I've been casually dating for months now, yet, in effort to sound as cliche as possible, "this one is different." Aren't they all? Aren't we all different to someone? I meet plenty of "different ones" that I don't even bat an eye at, but this one draws me in like a sketch artist and he's never taken an art class in his life. He breaks all the attraction laws and "types" I've ever admitted to having and I have a gut feeling he's just enjoying the ride. Literally. Haha. In all honesty, I'm not surprised. And I can't even say I didn't have it coming. How many guys have I been able to coast by with minimal feelings and just enjoy our trips to breweries, happy hours, museums, late night phone calls, clubs, and festivals. Not that I ever intentionally led them on, was dishonest in my intentions, or was disingenuous in any way that I was consciously aware of, but, this is just one of the many outcomes of this sickness. The worst part of it is I feel completely helpless to cease the ending. He's in control and I can't even muster up the strength to sever the opportunity for him to be determinate of this prevalent diagnosis. Why? You're an independent-ass-woman and you hardly relinquish your control to the likes of any mutual swipe online! Am I missing something? Yes, the hope that it could be the ultimate sickness that has no medication, no cure, and no regrets. The hope is minuscule, but it's there like that prick the shot makes. He makes me weak, leaving me in a pathetic state to stay as long as he'll let me. My bet is on two months... then again, two weeks wouldn't be too shocking. Obviously, my confidence is just another hindrance to my immune system. My independence was attacked and my interest and loneliness was at an all time high. That combination is a detriment to my health... more than his. The vulnerability spread, clouding my conscious. My brain couldn't be inundated more with questions; is this the effect I've had on others I didn't feel a "spark" with? Is this why they hang on even when my intentions are clear? Does the wild ride justify the smoke from the airbag deployment after the curve you hoped wasn't there? Is the feeling of carpe diem worth the hospital stay? I'll let you know ;) Infatuation season is upon us the only vaccination that can assist with the ride once this sickness begins its course is a jello shot. Flavors and colors to distract, and alcohol to take off the edge. Cheers.
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AuthorChef Steph cooking up trouble. If she can't find anything real, she bakes real good sweets. Chocolate really may mend a broken heart... Archives
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