I've been submerged into a state of numbness but it's much deeper than that.
Google Dictionary defines it as: Nirvana (n)- a transcendent state in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor sense of self, and the subject is released from the effects of karma and the cycle of death and rebirth. Speaking of Cobain brings me to the villainous Bane. "We are all prisoners of our own device" and can call be teetering the line of heroism and corruption. I know this sounds slightly dramatic but think of it in the most simplest of terms. To allow yourself to slip into darkness is to familiarize yourself with uncharted depths. New parts of yourself resting in complete oblivion.Allowing myself to be defined by the shallowest of men has pushed me to the basement of my self-worth. I am not defined by the male attention I receive or the number of kisses planted yet, I need to remind myself of that constantly.
So this isn't a post grasping for sympathy or straws for my Jack and Sprite. This is a post of acknowledgement and possibly defeat. It WILL catch up to you.. but this is the beauty of free will. It certainly caught up to me when I let someone in. That sounds monumental, right? Wrong. When you're not ready for it, it's not something that can be forced. I tried; it kept me up at night. And yet there was still some sort of block-- inability to do this. To allow this. To pursue it. It almost tempts you to stay home, "take cold showers every night and dream my life away." At least I can bare a smile with a super villain, rock band legend, and musical number all in one post. Now, for some very necessary therapy baking.Dark Side Chocolate Cake
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AuthorChef Steph cooking up trouble. If she can't find anything real, she bakes real good sweets. Chocolate really may mend a broken heart... Archives
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