Look. I can take a joke; my humor can twinkle with Disney princesses and then get grungy with a pinch of raunch in two blinks. Dark humor is sometimes my essence and other times (majority) I'm pun-tastic, but I'm hyper aware of my audience and strive not to offend anyone or cast a tone that would make the environment uncomfortable. I'm sure you're aware and could name a few of these misguided and misplaced jokesters. My two in this case are called Mr. Pull My and Mr. Middle Finger. No, neither of them looked close to this.....so they get no "hott pass."Before you read their messages, a little back story:
Mr. Pull My took something minuscule and blew it out of proportion and then blocked me!Mr. Middle Finger is from Texas.... dammit Stephanie! Can't you leave those Tejas boys alone?
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Hailing from San Diego, and a little wild, I give you: Mr. Go Diego, Go!This guy was beyond babyface-young. He opened up his mouth and I almost screamed. It wasn't as bad as him sipping on helium, but my voice was significantly deeper than his. As we learned a couple blogs back, Mr. Deserted certainly had a preference with voices and wanted to make sure mine wasn't too low. I never thought of the other way around. The boy was sweet. We started talking with a simple question....that I gave this ravenous response to. The depth of my words kind of poured out of me and I found myself apologizing in the next text. "Sorry, didn't mean to get so deep LOL." He responded with an equally intriguing response and enjoyed my honesty. The paragraphs of conversation continued and we eventually set up a date. I mean who could say no to tacos? Not I. He was from Cali and taught me this California ways. For example, locals never call it Cali. He made San Diego style tacos with fall-apart barbacoa meat. So delicious and tender. Kind of like him. What? LOL who said that? He made margaritas with some bottled mix I've never heard of but it was pretty phenomenal. Did half the mix, and half tequila. Two drinks in and I was feeling pretty great. He revealed he was part of only-child-syndrome and later let slip that he's about to start flight school back up and wasn't sure how much time he would have. Of course, I made mental notes. We also made a rum cake together and told him I'd just retreive my pan next time I saw him. Risky, but playful, I thought. The cake was luscious even though he was a bit of a baby about. "It's really strong," he whined. I rolled my eyes playfully as I knocked my hip into his. "Hey now!" He said flirtily, as he leaned in to kiss me . He took his time when he kissed me; I liked that. He put a movie on that we never watched and I found myself nestled to him in his bed, on top of the covers. "You make me feel... wanted," a statement I relinquished with no struggle. "Well good," he breathed. He started to drift to sleep, so I gathered my things. "Goodnight" he said, as he kissed me. Hardly walking me to the door, I walked 5 blocks to the visitors section of the well-lit parking lot. The song that played on my ride home could not have been more perfect. U2's "still haven't found what I'm looking for" poured over my ears and my recently kissed skin. "Yeah," I thought to myself. Yeah. Taking this dessert to GO. And don't expect to get your pan back....No Instructions needed: I knew what I was getting into trying to talk to a military 22-year-old. Woops.... ;)There's an obscene number of married guys that have hit me up both online and in person. My initial reaction was "what kind of girl do you think I am?" But then, I was overcome with grief and disgust of the type of man they are.... and his wife probably doesn't know the degree of his questionable character.The amount of emotional havoc a person inflicts on their partner is colossal. I wish they would be reminded of that before they cheat....A wedding is the ideal place to reflect on your current relationship, or lack of one. The best part is, this reflection is usually 100% unintentional and subconsciously sneaks in. This was certainly the case at the 3rd wedding I've been to this year, also being in Texas (first in Fort Worth, second Dallas, and third Austin). This realization of my singleness, was overcast by disappointment in the overwhelming number of disloyal people. We've all had someone we were committed to step out on us with someone else (I'm certain) but, the emotional cheating and constant lusting toward new faces is uncanny. At this beautiful wedding in hill country that my sister and I attended, was gushing with married or taken guys that continued to gravitate their eyes toward us. I'm not talking just a gentle smile or quick glance, I'm talking full-on stare! My sister pointed two out to me, as I pointed out another to her. Rings fastened on their left hand couldn't fasten their eyes to the person with the matching metal. I know there's a couple ways this could be interpreted:
I don't think it's "Disney of me" to believe a man can be faithful or a woman can be faitful if they are in love and down-right committed. My heart of hearts believes if you love someone, truly love someone, it's almost as if the other sex becomes less inticing. Sure, six-pack abs are alluring and guys' or even girls' eyes may wander to a pair of double-d's but, their heart and attention belongs to their person in this crummy little world. Although I have quite the dating record and I've earned the reputation of being a bit of a player, once love is on the table, there's no room for any other games or players. Put the CandyLand away. The last, and only time I've been in love, was to a man I couldn't have even fantasized of being with someone else. I was so taken with him and was prepared to give up everything for him-- hell, I practically did! I know loyalty wasn't even a question with him, nor was it for me. And I know I have a tendency to be quite naive, but it's the God's honest truth. Tat's why it's so heartbreaking to see these guys in committed relationships looking for more. The point of being in love, is to look no further. So get off your lustful ass and find your one and only and stop trying to have your cake and eat it too! Find Your Cherry On Top..... and if you're married, you should've already found em2 cans Crescent Rolls
8 oz softened Cream Cheese 21 oz Cherry Pie Filling 1/2 cup Sugar 1 tsp Vanilla 1 cup Powdered Sugar 1 tbsp Milk Preheat oven to 350. Beat creamy cheese with sugar and vanilla until fluffy. Unroll crescent dough and separate. On a pizza pan place triangles overlapping with long pointed ends outward. So that there is about a 6″ circle left in the middle of the pan. Spread cherries over the lapped dough area. Spread dollops of cream cheese mixture over the cherry filling. Fold pointed ends of crescents over the filling and pinch into lapped dough to seal. Bake for 18-20 minutes or until golden brown. Mix Powdered sugar and milk until smooth glaze forms. Drizzle glaze over left-finger dazzling ring. https://cincyshopper.com/cherry-cream-cheese-crescent-ring/ No, he didn't have 7 children. No, he doesn't detest music... At least my knowledge. No, he isn't trying to run from the Nazis. It all started with a remark. A drunken remark at a bar. I know what you're thinking... The infamous adventures of me and my blonde best friend in yet again another third wheel date. I've been on so many, I could probably start a blog post just for those adventures... But, they're not as exciting. At least not to me.. And she's probably only been on three or she was the third., but hey! We each serve our role in this friendship. It just looks a little different than what people are used to. Anywho! The roommate of the guy she was dating made his way over to our brunch spot with his best friend. The two of them were fairly pleasant on the eyes, but his roommate is definitely a dude bro. His friend, on the other freckled hand, is a goofball in a Hawaiian shirt. With a drunk slur and conversation in a high decibel, conversation at the table roared. Flirting commenced, but not enough to be extremely memorable. Then, I was pressed between the two guys in the back seat of my best friend's date's Caddy. We made our way to a tiki hut bar fit for a Jimmy Buffett song. While at the bar, conversation continued as we soaked up the scene, Sun, and Saturday. It was actually Sunday but I didn't want to say son in Sunday next to each other. ;)) After a couple shots that this independent girl bought on her own, I accidentally brushed up against Mr. Vontrapp's back while he was seated at the bar. Yes, he saw two girls standing behind him and chose to seat at the bar. Chivalry is not dead... But it's a very, very rare. I get up when I'm seated when an older lady walks around. But.... What can you do? If you hold everyone to the standard you have for yourself, you're going to be disappointed every time. That's something I've learned the Robert Frost, gravel, broken glass, "Road Less Traveled" way. Well, apparently my boobs brushed against his back which drove him crazy. I'm not really used to having bigger boobs because my whole life has been flat chested and the vice president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Well, he instantly bought me like two cocktails. I guess it was a balanced diet, a drink in each hand. It was revealed that he had a girlfriend and it was deemed complicated. Out of respect, I tone down the flirting to a 1 (steak sauce). Then I dipped out and ubered my way home. They continued drinking and hours later I received a phone call from my best friend. "Someone wants to talk to you," she said. She knows how deplorable I am with name so she said, "it's the one with the flower shirt." "I want to whisper sweet nothings in your ear," Mr. Vantrapp spoke smoothly into the borrowed phone. "Paha what?" " I'm related to the Von Trapp family." "From The Sound of Music? Get out! I love that movie." " Yep fought the Nazis and everything." I heard him smirking through the phone. "Oh really? Then where they from?" I spat slyly. "Germany." "No, it's an hour outside of Austria." "Naw-aw." "I know because I tried to sign up for the tour while I was in Europe 2 months ago." "Smart cookie, Stephanie. " "You don't know..." "I'm trying to." "How would your girl friend feel about that?" I spat. And THAT'S where the convo ended. I'm a huge on empathy. If I were in his girlfriend shoes, I would be pissed. That's emotional cheating. Plain as can be. Yes, I should have stopped the conversation sooner. But sometimes I'm flirt when I have a hankering for a little bit of attention. At least I acknowledge it, right? Well, he broke up with his girlfriend a couple days later and got my number from his friend. We've gone back and forth a couple times but I think I'm a little too feisty for him. He inquired of my plans for the day and I told him writing. Once he pried, I revealed scarce details about my blog to which he judged instantly. Said those haven't been relevant since the early 2000s. After schooling him on the relevance for aspiring writers, he got quiet. The conversation carried for a couple more minutes and then he hung up, like a 13 year-old girl. Okay bro. Don't worry, I learned things from the bad boy study. This guy was before that series of posts. Hopefully the next one won't be too bad... There's still one in the mix though, so don't hold your breath.... He's An Austrian Strudel... far away and dusted with bad boy lust
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So there's this guy that I met at the Glorious Barcelona pub crawl which, don't worry, details soon to come. He was tall and thin. Not everyone's idea of handsome, but certainly had an "attractive factor" going for him. He had a short stubble of hair on his head with a beard to match. He reminded me like a lot of the guys from Charleston; once they take their hat off: Fun's over. Of course, he no longer paralleled Charleston once he opened his mouth. Not only was the southern draw absent, but his voice was like a sweet nectar, even in English. He had gray blue eyes and lived a 16 minute walk from my host family in Barcelona. At the crawl, I didn't think our conversation would amount to anything, but in drunken excitement, I gave him my WhatsApp number so we could hang out since we were in the same neighborhood essentially. Well, once texting commenced, he invited me to meet him and some friends at this night light show downtown. I was the only girl in a circle of 5 dudes and was loving it. No one in the group's first language is English and I happily submerged myself into the culture buffet. There was an Indian, a Ecuadorian, a Spaniard, and two Argentinians. Our eyes feasted on all the lights and even some of the food trucks. We all got a couple cervezas (beer is one of the 7 Spanish words I know. Surprised? Yeah, me neither). Everyone started to head home 2 by 2, and alas, Mr. Sangria Sips was left. "Hey, catch the bus, no?" "Si! Ohmygosh I can't believe it's already 11:45!" Smiling he said, "and we both wake early. " He gestured to the direction of the bus stop and completely opened up the 30 minutes home. Of course we talked about politics(Europeans love that. *rolls eyes*). I learned he's not into old fashion and believes a city shouldn't always have to buy the meal. His motive for this may be attributed to his last relationship. He revealed a girl from Chile that's an hour away and she would always come see her and pay for all the dates. He knew she enjoyed spending time with him but he was pretty sure she just wanted a green card marriage. Of course they don't call a green card marriage is over here. I don't remember what he called it. It was very Spanish LOL I know, I'm catching on fast. We talked a little bit about music and then a lot about traveling and future plans. Neither one of us had it figured out. That was okay. He revealed He's 33 and guessed I was 26. Like them already. He did though reveal better without my glasses. I don't understand what is up with Europeans and saying that. This is European number four that has said this. Come to think of it, the other guys agreed when we were all at the light show. Well I need these to see, so thanks for that! Way to boost my self-esteem, Europeans! After parting days from the bus that night, we continued texting until 3 am. He scheduled a date at a neighborhood bar later that week. Ofcourse the night of the date, dinner wasn't on time. This actually wasn't fault of my own, the mom just said she wasn't ready yet. And then they have a friend over, so had to wait until her plate was done and I could put everything just watching everything. Remember, being the help requires all kinds of patients in tasks to keep up your free room and board. After spraying a bit of body spray and adding lipstick, I slipped on my boots and headed down to the neighborhood bar. I was so late that the kitchen closed. So, what's a sensible thing for Stephanie to do? Order a pitcher of sangria. I mean, come on; it's fully equipped with fruit! "Oh I'm just going to have another beer," he said. "That's great. I'm getting this for me then," I said smiling. His eyes go to the the size of cantaloupes. You can't drink that whole thing. Oh how he should not have said that! After diving into my dinner, the waiter addressed me and looking dumbfounded, and all together dumb, my date stepped in to translate. Apparently, he wanted to know if the drink was yoo sweet and if he should add more alcohol. I'm sorry- who in their right mind would decline that?! After he topped the pitcher off, my date poured himself a glass. The conversation bounced from topic to topic and I began to feel very warm. Biting into an orange peel, I laughed at his joke. I think it was a joke. Thank God I was walking. After closing the bar down (it closed at 12 because it was simply a neighborhood one and not in the thriving city, we walked to the counter to close out. He had me pay for the tab and he gave me cash for his meal. Yet he drank some (no clue how many glasses) of my sangria and I paid for the whole thing. Dudeeee. He warned me he was like that but I thought at least on the first date he would want.... I don't know. But the part that got me was he kept chatting me the next day and begged me to come to his flat to have two beers that he has in his fridge. Obviously I'd only get one. And it's like 18 minute walk. Anything after 10:30 is work for the dirty So, I stayed home and wrote off ankther guy. Different country, different guy, same ending.This is why boys shouldn't be given too much "screen time." It shrinks their brain...Not that these 3 would care. Maybe they would-be taken carry on if you warned them: too much screen time will shrink your...other head. So, if you happen to follow me on Snapchat, you may recall a raging rant about this. I typically save my dating frustrations for the blog-- hence it's existence. Each date earns their name pertaining to the level of chaos exhibited in the date. The former "Mr" positioned as the prefix is subtle satire. This particular dude would have earned Mr. Slip of the Tongue or Mr. No Turning Back. Then, if there is enough content, it would warrant a confectionery concoction. Buckeyes maybe? Has his eyes peeled for cleavage and although he tries to disguise his prominent promiscuity peanut butter with a chocolate coating. Nice try, but this sweet seeker identifies this before this dish is completed. My favorite thing about this fellow was his recorded response blaming my unrealistic expectations from an app created for hookups. How small-minded are people these days that things have one and only one use? Ariel turned a fork into a hair comb Jasmine turned a beggar into a prince and a tiger into a domestic pet Belle turned a beast into a soulmate Mulan turned a man's calling into a woman's destiny Pochahontas fought the compass and complexion I'm bound to have my own magical affect.... O-K. So since I'm moving, that warrants you a quickie since there's no strings and you're attracted to me? Yeah... I don't think that's how life works regardless of which dating site you found me on. He found it perplexing that he could be included in my snapchat rant of 3 boys subjecting me to their lustful needs prior to meeting me or engaging in a real conversation with me. Ah yes! I have been quite unimpressed by the people (not just guys) in Charleston, South Carolina. Sure, the city has history and a unique culture 3 beaches within 30 minutes of each other and 43 people move there every day... but in the 2 years I've genuinely given it a chance, I've found it's not for me. The people are clicky, Number 3 was "do you do anal?" I'm sorry- WHAT? That is offically the most random thing I've ever heard. A, 2, and D here all reached out to me with these shallow statements within the span of 35 minutes. Sighhh. I'm hoping my next destination doesn't pack this much ignorance and shallow sexual motive-driven "men."
Remember the "Good Guys Aren't Extinct, Just Endangered Series?" Well, here is proof that there really are a shortage of "good guys." This post is dedicated to the guys that:
This can happen in any setting and to any extreme, really and is embedded throughout this blog that is 8 months old. That's roughly 8 months of encounters with people putting up fronts to get what they want. But Stephanie, are you really exempt from this... everyone wants something out of anything they put effort into, right? Oh, you bet your chocolate chips I do! I believe though, and feel free to call me out on it if you disagree, but mine are never disrespectful. I would never ask anything of a STRANGER via text that I would be ashamed of my grandmother seeing. Now, don't mistake that for all my messages being grandma-friendly; there are been messages, with people I trust, or were in a relationship for a substantial amount of time, that would make a nun blush. I'm reiterating the fact that if I don't know someone very well, I'm not going to say something to push the envelope or hokey pokey all over the line. This is especially true if this person provided full disclosure that they had a blog AND SUBSCRIBED. ....He even asked, "Why the screenshot?" Every cookie has its shelf life and here is yours..... Well, I have to say, this is the first guy that has been featured as both a positive date story and a deplorable, degrading slum like the rest of 'em. Be sure to refrigerate these "healthy" cookies because, like "nice guys," they don't maintain their fresh-to-death-ness. 5 Ingredient Cookies |
AuthorChef Steph cooking up trouble. If she can't find anything real, she bakes real good sweets. Chocolate really may mend a broken heart... Archives
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