Remember the nano series, in May about blundering dates my best friend and I experienced side-by-side? No? Well, go on... that's the prequel. I'll wait here.All caught up? Okay, so this is a continuation of this series because there are so so SO many little stories I forgot (unlike an elephant) or have risen to the occasion in the last few weeks. This is going to be like Return of Jafar......... except, you know, actually good. Oh, and this is NOT supported by Disney... in case you had that wandering inkling...The Sore Loser So my best friend gave this guy more than enough chances and he just kept having the same result. It was kind of like that unruly kid that you would give an inch and they would take 6 miles. She would address the problem, he was fight with her about it, then he would apologize, and then he would do it again in a day. So after one of these repetitive fights, he messaged me on Snapchat. First he started bantering about my football team and how his is better and then, the inevitable. Asked how she was doing saying that he missed her. Can I plead the 5th? Can I get a Switzerland flag over here? Can I get a time out? I was exhausted, was looking to get a mow-hawk over plunging between their fight, and was tispy enough to not give a falling, flying, or freckled f*ck. So, I stopped responding. I figured if nothing else, I could blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. For the following week, he watched my Snapchat story and saw that I was taking a poll from my snap followers about their biggest fear in regards to love (glorious content for my beloved baking blog). He messaged me again but this time, answered the poll. His response: Picking the wrong roommate. There was no winky face, no "lol," no jk Steph.... That's plain adorable that he thought I would fall into his "foolproof plan" of showing her just to ignite her fire to reach out to him and fight some more. I replied with an "LOL" and stopped after that since she it already stopped talking to him. Funny thing is two months later she gave him another chance and again, same pawn, just different game. His selfish tendencies were overwhelming and she set him on the curb for good. His confidence was that of Jafar but his game was that of Iago: an annoying little bird. He (the name) is also an antagonist in my favorite Shakespearean Play: Othello.You ain't nothing but a vulture." Had to quote some Chris Breezy for this one AND had to make a recipe suitable. Bird-Feed Cookies:
Mix in a bowl by hand until crumbly: 1 Cup of Whole Wheat Flour 1 Cup of Crack Oats or Regular Oats 1/2 Cup of Butter unsalted 1/2 Tsp of Baking Powder Add: 2 Eggs Just drop in the whole egg, shell and all. No need to waste any time or anything. You can't lose, remember? Add: 1 Cup Blue Berries 1 Cup of Bird Seed Knead (and remember what you DON'T need) on a sheet of parchment paper. Cut out in any shape, but regardless of how you slice it, it'll still be just feed for the birds. Place cookies on a cookie sheet and place in oven set to 325. Bake 15 minutes. http://blog.imaginechildhood.com/imagine-childhood/2011/02/-barn-stories-bird-cookies.html
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So this guy was another infamous mutual swipe. We began casually, not flirtily or anyting, messaging on Snapchat. There was significant time difference between the two of us so one of his evenings which was indeed one of my afternoons, a couple crude jokes turned pretty sexual. So I shut it down immediately. His communication tapered off, aside from random Snapchats from him of his kids without shirts on, running around the backyard or things he was eating for lunch or what have you. The two random pictures I got that led to his block condemnation were... First of him on the toilet... That's not cute that's not even funny... That's just repulsive. I clicked really fast so I can't give you any more details than that. And the second one was a bag the size of a lunch sized Lays barbecue chips coarse powdery substance. Anddddd you're out of here! What if I was a cop? The things that people put on their social media bewilders me. "Baking soda, I got baking soda"The REAL use for baking soda. Since this guy is already cooked, no need to include his recipe.
I was looking for a sign and he it is! THERE'S MY NEW BOYFRIEND! Did I die and now I'm in hell? "Surprised how many girls do" ... 1)"work assignment" translates to "layover." 2) Thanks for the kind generalization. 3)Thanks for subjecting me to prostitution (or trying) 4) Thanks for wasting 6 minutes, I'll never get back Nothing says boyfriend material like a 'Merica boy with a girl on his shoulder. Today's presentation is brought to you by the letter "M" for Mugshot I don't think Pippylongstockings ever had to put up with this shit.... Therapy. I need therapy after this one For the first time in my life, I can relate to a bilingual adolescent with a talking backpack. "Swiper no swiping."It's almost like the lights flashed and the fog on the dance floor was just for us. My best friend and I, exited the dance floor like we were exiting a limo with tipsy grace and pizzazz. That's right I just said pizzazz. Naturally, we made our way over to the bar. Trying to cut through the smog of people, we pinpointed a spot next to a short blonde haired guy, no older than 28, but no younger than 25. He sent a drunk and smile our way and asked if we wanted a shot. Our pockets (or boob cleavage, the only constant pocket in woman's wardrobe) were as bare as our Wells Fargo accounts (wild west, south-- you name it). As we were in no position to turn that down, we started to answer when he upped the wager with shouting, "yuh, it's a fruit loop shot." Colorful flashbacks to groggy mornings wearing a Reptar shirt, no pants, and a hairdo only "cool" when Lady Gaga rocks it, fumbling my way down the winding stairs to the breakfast table. Never quite creating the perfect ratio of electric artificially-flavored loops with skim milk, I'd try to eat the blue ones first. Usually my hunger would trump my artsy efforts, but the effort was there. Being tapped by my beautiful blonde friend beside me, I returned to 2018 with fruit loops in the night life fashion-- drunk and on a mission. Starring at us with the shots lined up behind him, he bellowed, "reaaaady?" And then laughed a smokers kind of laugh, raspy and slightly comparable to Kutcher's laugh in "Dude Where's My Car." Enticed more by the name than his gesture, we grabbed the short glasses on the bars wooden counter and were amused that there really were fruit loops floating in the drink. Recieving a shove from thirsty customers behind us, I managed to keep my drink from spilling but knew I couldn't marvel at it another moment. The three of us threw it back. The punch of rubbing alcohol lingered in my nostrils; guhh, rotgut liquor, I thought but my face remained unchanged. I looked up and my best friend held the same, slate facial expression while the shot the blonde haired dude-bro's eyes winced little bit. He swallowed hard and then he started with introductions. The music was so loud and we were both not exactly sober, so I imagine the conversation kind of petered out. A few good songs came on and we broke out dancing right there at the bar... Yes, we were those annoying people that create gridlock traffic by the bar when you just want a bloody drink. "There's a dance floor for a reason" I could feel eyes of strangers shout; but we didn't care. We weren't causing a rucus by dancing on the bar that's a different bar: Coyote Ugly. Been there done that... That's a whoooole different story. But, at this, less than famous bar in a suburb of Charleston, we danced near the blonde-headed frat boy whom apparently was not pleased with the result of his fruit loop investments. He looked at me and said, "Well, you know what? I don't want to fuck you OR your friend." My sarcasm could not be tamed. "Oh no, really? Oh oh oh. Whatever shall we do?" Obviously a response to this volume of sarcasm only fueled his fire. Lucky for me, he wasn't a violent man and he just walked away. Looking over my shoulder, I saw my best friend's was talking to another guy, possibly to get another shot. I just snickered at the punishment the guy just awarded us after buying us a fruit loops shot. It's hilarious that he believed that one rotgut liquor shot disguised by a children's cereal was supposed to get both of us to go home with him. Actually, from what I can tell, he might of been the "get it in the alley after a smoke break kind of guy." I have to admit, buying my own shots isn't this entertaining, so thanks for the laugh, Mr. Fruitiest of all the Loops. Oh, not to mention, one of the bartenders overheard his "punishment" and my sarcastic reaction and he said it made his night. Not a bad Friday, indeed. BRING ON SATURDAY! The one we had was 90% cream and undoubtedly used Taaka vodka, but here is a more delightful version for your elementary reminisce.
THE FRUIT LOOP 1 oz. (30ml) Fruit Loop Vodka 2 oz. (60ml) Blue Curaçao 1 oz. (30ml) Half & Half Garnish: Froot Loops PREPARATION: 1. Combine ingredients in a shaker with ice and shake well. 2. Strain mix into glass with ice and top with fruit loops. https://tipsybartender.com/recipe/the-fruit-loop/ So, I tend to stray from political pieces and "unpopular opinions" because I'm not a big advocate for controversy BUT after hearing this story, I needed to write something about it. I stewed on in for about two weeks and I guess here it goes. (Feel free to skip this one if you hate politics; I'm not arguing for one side or another, I'm arguing for respect and empathy). You were warned. To the 11 of you still reading this, thank you. This is actually not about a guy I've dated, but a guy telling me a story of a girl he is dating. She's not typically his type physically, still beautiful, just not the typical country girl he was drawn to "like a moth to a flame." (I know that's been in many publications and movies but I can't help but think of the musical, Chicago. Oh, this boy definitely "has it coming...."). Fast forward two months with this girl and things were going amazing, until she revealed a dark secret from her past. Instead of realizing how much trust she's already relinquished to him and her open attempt to get closer to him by sharing such a secret, he pulled back. He claimed, "I don't know if I can get past this... I look at her so differently now." Wow. If that's not class A judgement, I don't know what is. |
AuthorChef Steph cooking up trouble. If she can't find anything real, she bakes real good sweets. Chocolate really may mend a broken heart... Archives
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